Thursday, June 2, 2016

{{Drafted Post from 3/7/14- True Then, True Now}}

What was it that Charlene said when she opted to leave the Bachelor? "I feel sick, sick in the way you feel when you make a decision and you don't know if it is the right one...." Something along those lines? That's how I feel. Sick. Sick in the way you feel, when you finally verbalize a decision that may just be the most difficult one you've ever had to make. That's saying a lot considering my history.

I'm exhausted and mentally drained. I feel like I've searched the vast ends of my heart and soul to make this work. The hard and fast truth is that it just isn't working. I long for more. I long for something this love, in itself, just isn't fulfilling deep inside of me.

{{I haven't felt alright, in a really really long time}}

A bit shy of three years since I have graced the internet with my blog presence. It is with great intent that I plan on becoming a regular here again. It is my hope that I can use this space as an outlet to successfully express the sad, the happy and wide range of emotions in between.

Memorial Day, a day that most are throwing a back yard BBQ, tossing back beers and/or letting their thoughts wander to those who have died to allow the freedom of beer and bbq, was a monumental day in my life. It will forever define a 'before' and 'after' in my life. On Memorial Day, I packed everything I owned into the back of a U-Haul truck (so thankful for the amazing support and help I had) and left New Hampshire, life as I had known it for 4 1/2 years, my marriage, and my husband behind me.

And before you say it, because I know you're thinking it.... "again"- Let me get ahead of you, yes... 'again'. This time, it did not happen over night. It was not a result of a 45 second phone call. It did not go without tears.  It did not go without a fight. It did not go without thorough consideration. I did not go until I could no longer quiet the voice in my head. I did not go until I could no longer circumvent the anxiety that had manifested very physically. I did not go until I could no longer calm myself when my body shook uncontrollably. I did not go until I no longer had the ability to breathe through the intense pain. I did not go until I could no longer truthfully deny that as right as we were for each other at one time, we would always be a little too wrong. I did not go until I knew that staying would inevitably be worse than leaving; despite staying being the easiest and most obvious choice.

I have spent the majority of my life flitting from relationship to relationship, from relationship to  marriage, to relationship, and back to marriage. For the past 12 years, I have spent a total of 3 months alone and to be honest, that's probably being generous. I had never dated the conventional way. I always found myself meeting a man and inevitably being in a relationship with them before I had even realized what had happened. I kept finding myself so high on the feeling of 'new chemistry' and subsequently continued to follow my heart into nightmare after nightmare. Each relationship was successively better than the last, enabling me to blur the lines between 'safety' and 'love'. I was in a self sabotaging cycle, I couldn't see in the moment, let alone break myself of. I never stopped to take a breath. I never stopped to process. I never stopped to let myself recover. I wanted happy ever after so badly that I was unwilling to listen to my intuition time after time. That little voice that says 'hold up, you sure?' can be drowned out so easily with false assurance. It can almost disintegrate when you consider the amount of effort you have put in to get to where you are. You can do a dynamite job convincing yourself that this is what life has to offer you and you have no other choice but to be content because it could always be worse. You can settle for less than butterflies. I did. I pushed forward when I should have drawn the line. I batted the voice away when it buzzed in my ear.  I thought that after all we had been through (long distance, big life changes, multiple job changes, a difficult break up etc), it was only logical that the pieces would come together.  I followed the path of least resistance when I came to a cross roads. I said yes when my intuition told me to say no. I told myself that if I could just turn the corner, everything would inevitably be alright. I told myself love in and of itself would be enough to sustain the relationship.  I willed the butterflies to come back to life.