{{Drafted Post from 3/7/14- True Then, True Now}}

What was it that Charlene said when she opted to leave the Bachelor? "I feel sick, sick in the way you feel when you make a decision and you don't know if it is the right one...." Something along those lines? That's how I feel. Sick. Sick in the way you feel, when you finally verbalize a decision that may just be the most difficult one you've ever had to make. That's saying a lot considering my history.

I'm exhausted and mentally drained. I feel like I've searched the vast ends of my heart and soul to make this work. The hard and fast truth is that it just isn't working. I long for more. I long for something this love, in itself, just isn't fulfilling deep inside of me.

{{I haven't felt alright, in a really really long time}}

A bit shy of three years since I have graced the internet with my blog presence. It is with great intent that I plan on becoming a regular here again. It is my hope that I can use this space as an outlet to successfully express the sad, the happy and wide range of emotions in between.

Memorial Day, a day that most are throwing a back yard BBQ, tossing back beers and/or letting their thoughts wander to those who have died to allow the freedom of beer and bbq, was a monumental day in my life. It will forever define a 'before' and 'after' in my life. On Memorial Day, I packed everything I owned into the back of a U-Haul truck (so thankful for the amazing support and help I had) and left New Hampshire, life as I had known it for 4 1/2 years, my marriage, and my husband behind me.

And before you say it, because I know you're thinking it.... "again"- Let me get ahead of you, yes... 'again'. This time, it did not happen over night. It was not a result of a 45 second phone call. It did not go without tears.  It did not go without a fight. It did not go without thorough consideration. I did not go until I could no longer quiet the voice in my head. I did not go until I could no longer circumvent the anxiety that had manifested very physically. I did not go until I could no longer calm myself when my body shook uncontrollably. I did not go until I no longer had the ability to breathe through the intense pain. I did not go until I could no longer truthfully deny that as right as we were for each other at one time, we would always be a little too wrong. I did not go until I knew that staying would inevitably be worse than leaving; despite staying being the easiest and most obvious choice.

I have spent the majority of my life flitting from relationship to relationship, from relationship to  marriage, to relationship, and back to marriage. For the past 12 years, I have spent a total of 3 months alone and to be honest, that's probably being generous. I had never dated the conventional way. I always found myself meeting a man and inevitably being in a relationship with them before I had even realized what had happened. I kept finding myself so high on the feeling of 'new chemistry' and subsequently continued to follow my heart into nightmare after nightmare. Each relationship was successively better than the last, enabling me to blur the lines between 'safety' and 'love'. I was in a self sabotaging cycle, I couldn't see in the moment, let alone break myself of. I never stopped to take a breath. I never stopped to process. I never stopped to let myself recover. I wanted happy ever after so badly that I was unwilling to listen to my intuition time after time. That little voice that says 'hold up, you sure?' can be drowned out so easily with false assurance. It can almost disintegrate when you consider the amount of effort you have put in to get to where you are. You can do a dynamite job convincing yourself that this is what life has to offer you and you have no other choice but to be content because it could always be worse. You can settle for less than butterflies. I did. I pushed forward when I should have drawn the line. I batted the voice away when it buzzed in my ear.  I thought that after all we had been through (long distance, big life changes, multiple job changes, a difficult break up etc), it was only logical that the pieces would come together.  I followed the path of least resistance when I came to a cross roads. I said yes when my intuition told me to say no. I told myself that if I could just turn the corner, everything would inevitably be alright. I told myself love in and of itself would be enough to sustain the relationship.  I willed the butterflies to come back to life.

{{Listen to my heart break every time that he goes away}}

It feels as though someone has reached inside your chest and taken hold of your heart with a grip that is unparalleled to anything else you have ever felt. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to think. The pain, so intense, pulses through your body with every heart beat. You wait for the grip to loosen, but it doesn't. You start wondering about the person who coined the term "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" because you do not believe there is pain that compares to loss, no matter how the loss occurs. While you're not dealing with loss due to a death, you feel as though a piece of you dies every time that door shuts. There is a small portion of your brain that thinks, perhaps, something is wrong with you, because you shouldn't have feelings this intense. But the larger portion of your brain tells you that this is only further proof this was meant to be. Because if it wasn't, then surely it wouldn't hurt this badly.

{{10 Day Blog Challenge-Day 4}}

SEVEN THINGS THAT CROSS MY MIND A LOT

{{In no particular order of importance}}

1. What IF I can't get pregnant?{{ I know. IF. Tiny word. HUGE meaning}}
2. Exactly how much longer can I handle this commute? {{My internal response is 'until you have children' which then leads me back to thought #1}} Though, I must say, changing my gym schedule before work has helped tremendously. It has cut my 1 1/2 hour commute in the morning down to 50 minutes.
3. When will I EVER get to a place where I can save money for a house? It seems like everytime I get ahead, something happens and catapults me back in the other direction. I just want something that's mine.
4.  My day WILL come, right? White picket fence optional.
5. I miss having an original BEST friend. I'm everyone's 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc Best Friend {Except his, but I'm referring to girls here} I miss having that one person that has known you your whole life.  Life didn't deal me good odds on that one.
6. HIM. He's ALWAYS on my mind. First thought in the morning and last thought at night. I've never been so emotionally, mentally, physically etc connected to someone before. 
7. I'm going back to NASHVILLE! EEEEEEEEEEEE! I'm so excited!
   
   
   
   

{{10 Day Blog Challenge-Day 3}}

8 Ways to Win My Heart

Sorry, this one was kinda boring :P

{{10 Day Blog Challenge-Day 2}}

9 THINGS ABOUT ME: 

1. I have an irrational fear of parking garage gates falling on my car as I'm half way through. Well, it COULD happen, couldn't it?
2. I LOVE going to COUNTRY concerts. I'd say it's probably a hobby at this point.{{Yeah, I'll go with that because I'm lacking in hobbies as it is}}
3. I contemplate getting rid of FaceBook almost on the daily, because it's a constant reminder that I haven't had a baby yet. {{This is not a reflection of how I feel about my friends who have had a baby, or two, or even three}}
4. I'm running my 1st 1/2 Marathon in October and I'm TERRIFIED that I won't be able to run the whole thing because sometimes my reverse psychology works against me instead of with me.
5. I hate feet. Especially my feet. They're fat and they don't fit right in ANY pair of shoes. 
6.  The older I've gotten, the more afraid of heights I've become. I never used to be afraid of heights. Not sure where this came from. I don't like it.
7. I'm a little crazy about my house being clean. It legitimately stresses me out if I don't clean 1x/week. Summer is really getting in the way of  my cleaning schedule. 
8. I like to play cribbage though I'm not that great at it.
9. I don't tend to recognize the things I do well at. It causes some anxiety during mid-year/annual reviews and interviews.

 

 

{{10 Day Blog Challenge-Day 1}}

Since I'm on a roll, I figured why stop now? I'm going to attempt a 10 Day Blog Challenge*

*Disclaimer: This 10 Day Blog Challenge may indeed take more than 10 days.

Okay here goes, TEN things you want to say to TEN different people right now {{in no particular order}}:

I.

• You were right. It was a show. I only wished you'd have told me differently. Maybe I would have realized it.
• I've picked up the phone to call you on more than one occasion but I never dial your number.
• I miss you.
• There are so many days I think that we've been through so much, we can't possibly throw it all away.
• You look incredibly happy and that makes me happy, you deserve it.
• It breaks my heart that I'm not part of your life anymore.
• You have always cut right through me with your words, but deep down I don't believe you really think those things, or do you?
• You'll always be my first best friend.
• You've always had a life I envied.
• I still think you're one of the most beautiful people I've ever met.

II.

• I saw your picture the other day and it didn't make my heart hurt.
• I wished I could have gotten closure another way, but it was the closure I needed.
• I never meant to hurt you. I am truly sorry for the way things finally ended.
• I didn't/don't know who you are anymore but I believe I got to experience a side of you that no one else ever has.
• I hope you find happiness and peace in your life
• I'm so greatful that I don't compare anyone to you any longer.
• I hope you'll be faithful to the 'one'.
• You put a lot on me that I couldn't handle emotionally. 
• You were right, I had met someone else. But it wasn't the same as before. It was over between you and I. Finally.
• You showed me what I did and did not want for me life, and for that I'll always be thankful.

III.

• I admire you, your marriage and your life..
• I miss you, your husband, and your sweet children.
• You did a lot for me that I'll never forget.
• I always felt I'd let you down when I got divorced.
• Because of that, you were the last person I told and why I've subconsciously kept my distance.
• You're one of the sweetest, most genuine people I've ever met.
• My life is forever changed crossing your path.
• Reading your husband's Christmas letter is one of the highlights of my holiday.
• Thank you for introducing me to Friday Night Lights-it is by far one of my favorite television series.
• I hope to be 1/2 the parent you are to your children. 

IV.

• If I could give you every single penny back, I would.
• You were the best 'parents' to me, I'd ever had.
• I always admired how you built your business from the ground up.
• I've considering writing a million times, but because how much time has passed, I thought it would be inappropriate.
• I didn't know how else to deal with it. I wish I could have reached out, but I couldn't. I didn't think I deserved to. 
• You were one helluva business woman. I admired that, too. 
• I miss camp. 
• You spoiled me. Rotten. I can't thank you enough. 
• Decorating the Christmas tree is still one of my favorite memories
• And though I couldn't have predicted the end in a million years, I am forever greatful our lives crossed paths.

V.

• You have forever changed me.
• I truly believe you're my soul mate.
• I can't imagine a single day of my life without you in it.
• Although I falter with confidence often, I've never felt so beautiful as I do with you.
• You're the first person that has never tried to change me. Thank you.
• I have never been so open and honest with anyone in my life. You know my deepest, darkest secrets and I wouldn't have it any other way.
• I hate every second that you're gone but I admire how much passion you have for your profession. 
•  You're the smartest man I've ever met. 
• You challenge me every day, in a good way, and it's one of the things I love about you.
• Seeing you with a child melts my heart over and over again. I can't wait to have your child. You're going to be the most amazing daddy.

VI.

• I don't know why you never try to make plans with me. It drives me bananas. But, I don't initiate plans either. 
• I love your children as if they were my own blood.
• You have everything I want and sometimes I think you don't realize that. 
• I truly believe we are connected in a way that defies logic
• Thank you for introducing me to running
• I miss seeing you weekly. 
• Thank you for opening my eyes up to new experiences
•  You're a phenomenal mother
• I really need to/want to learn ASL. You inspire me to do so.
• I'm proud of the young woman you've become

VII.

• I saw your photo the other day and was taken back. Your life has caught up to you.
• I used to think you ruined me, but now I know how strong I really am.
• I wish you would have gotten professional help and stuck with it.
• You're very smart and you threw that away.
• You've missed more of my life than you experienced. 
• I wish I knew the truth about my brother. Somewhere out there is someone that shares 1/2 of my DNA and it makes me sad I'll never get to know him. I'm probably an Aunt. 
• I have your FB page saved as a favorite, so I can check in on you from time to time. 
• I'm so envious of all my friends that spend time with their mothers. I'll never have that. You took that from me.
• I listen to the same song every mother's day, "I wonder" by Kellie Pickler.
• I think I developed my eclectic taste in music from you.

VIII.

• I wish you weren't so passive aggressive. 
• I know I wasn't your choice, but I should have been an option you chose.
• I don't understand why or how you don't want anything to do with me.
• Between you and VII, I've been excluded from knowing my 'family'
• I wish I could be part of my brother's lives, but the situation makes it complicated. 
• Stop contacting me on Facebook. You're an adult and I'm an adult. But, you're still the parent. If you want to be part of my life, pick up the phone. 
• I gave you ZERO trouble. I don't know why you always acted like I was so delinquent. 
• I don't know why you never stood up for me. I was/am your child. I deserved more than that. 
• I won't keep my children from you unless you treat me disrespectfully.
• I've thought about calling a million times, putting everything under the bridge, but it's less stressful this way.

IX.

• When we actually had a conversation that didn't involve country music, I breathed a sigh of relief.
• I don't know why, but you were one person I wanted so desperately to like me. 
• You're by far one of the funniest people I've ever met. 
• I have so much fun with you.
• I talk to you more than your husband now. When did that happen?
• You never had anything to worry about. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. 
• I was astonished the other day when you initiated a hug. Ha. 
• You look better in those pants than I ever did. I'm always so damn envious. 
• You're also one of the most patient, easy going people I've ever met. I could learn from you in that respect. 
• I can't imagine going to a country concert without you. Concert Buddies for Life. {Said in the voice of Ted}

X.

•  People have said that we were an unlikely pairing
• I don't always understand your connection to social media which makes me seem like a bitch. For that, I'm sorry. It's taken me a while to realize that's just part of you. 
• Your workout posts annoyed me for a span of time. Mostly because I felt like you were acting superior after giving me such a hard time about counting calories etc earlier in the year.  I'm over that now and I hope you forgive me. {{I also don't think they were meant to 'act superior', it's just how I interpreted it at that time.}}
• I'm really proud of your progress and your passion towards working out. 
• I struggle with long distance relationships. Sometimes I need to be reeled back in because I can very easily put up a barrier. 
• I want to start up weekly calls again. I felt more connected to you that way. 
• I can't wait for you to meet Mr. Right and fall madly in love. That's my wish for you.
• I hate seeing you once a year. 
• I'm really proud of you for not settling for less than you deserve. 
• You're a source of clarity that I haven't found in anyone else. 

And now that I've finally finished this post, I realize why I don't blog more often. It makes me cry. Aint nobody got time for dat!