{{Drafted Post from 3/7/14- True Then, True Now}}

What was it that Charlene said when she opted to leave the Bachelor? "I feel sick, sick in the way you feel when you make a decision and you don't know if it is the right one...." Something along those lines? That's how I feel. Sick. Sick in the way you feel, when you finally verbalize a decision that may just be the most difficult one you've ever had to make. That's saying a lot considering my history.

I'm exhausted and mentally drained. I feel like I've searched the vast ends of my heart and soul to make this work. The hard and fast truth is that it just isn't working. I long for more. I long for something this love, in itself, just isn't fulfilling deep inside of me.

{{I haven't felt alright, in a really really long time}}

A bit shy of three years since I have graced the internet with my blog presence. It is with great intent that I plan on becoming a regular here again. It is my hope that I can use this space as an outlet to successfully express the sad, the happy and wide range of emotions in between.

Memorial Day, a day that most are throwing a back yard BBQ, tossing back beers and/or letting their thoughts wander to those who have died to allow the freedom of beer and bbq, was a monumental day in my life. It will forever define a 'before' and 'after' in my life. On Memorial Day, I packed everything I owned into the back of a U-Haul truck (so thankful for the amazing support and help I had) and left New Hampshire, life as I had known it for 4 1/2 years, my marriage, and my husband behind me.

And before you say it, because I know you're thinking it.... "again"- Let me get ahead of you, yes... 'again'. This time, it did not happen over night. It was not a result of a 45 second phone call. It did not go without tears.  It did not go without a fight. It did not go without thorough consideration. I did not go until I could no longer quiet the voice in my head. I did not go until I could no longer circumvent the anxiety that had manifested very physically. I did not go until I could no longer calm myself when my body shook uncontrollably. I did not go until I no longer had the ability to breathe through the intense pain. I did not go until I could no longer truthfully deny that as right as we were for each other at one time, we would always be a little too wrong. I did not go until I knew that staying would inevitably be worse than leaving; despite staying being the easiest and most obvious choice.

I have spent the majority of my life flitting from relationship to relationship, from relationship to  marriage, to relationship, and back to marriage. For the past 12 years, I have spent a total of 3 months alone and to be honest, that's probably being generous. I had never dated the conventional way. I always found myself meeting a man and inevitably being in a relationship with them before I had even realized what had happened. I kept finding myself so high on the feeling of 'new chemistry' and subsequently continued to follow my heart into nightmare after nightmare. Each relationship was successively better than the last, enabling me to blur the lines between 'safety' and 'love'. I was in a self sabotaging cycle, I couldn't see in the moment, let alone break myself of. I never stopped to take a breath. I never stopped to process. I never stopped to let myself recover. I wanted happy ever after so badly that I was unwilling to listen to my intuition time after time. That little voice that says 'hold up, you sure?' can be drowned out so easily with false assurance. It can almost disintegrate when you consider the amount of effort you have put in to get to where you are. You can do a dynamite job convincing yourself that this is what life has to offer you and you have no other choice but to be content because it could always be worse. You can settle for less than butterflies. I did. I pushed forward when I should have drawn the line. I batted the voice away when it buzzed in my ear.  I thought that after all we had been through (long distance, big life changes, multiple job changes, a difficult break up etc), it was only logical that the pieces would come together.  I followed the path of least resistance when I came to a cross roads. I said yes when my intuition told me to say no. I told myself that if I could just turn the corner, everything would inevitably be alright. I told myself love in and of itself would be enough to sustain the relationship.  I willed the butterflies to come back to life.

{{Listen to my heart break every time that he goes away}}

It feels as though someone has reached inside your chest and taken hold of your heart with a grip that is unparalleled to anything else you have ever felt. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to think. The pain, so intense, pulses through your body with every heart beat. You wait for the grip to loosen, but it doesn't. You start wondering about the person who coined the term "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" because you do not believe there is pain that compares to loss, no matter how the loss occurs. While you're not dealing with loss due to a death, you feel as though a piece of you dies every time that door shuts. There is a small portion of your brain that thinks, perhaps, something is wrong with you, because you shouldn't have feelings this intense. But the larger portion of your brain tells you that this is only further proof this was meant to be. Because if it wasn't, then surely it wouldn't hurt this badly.

{{10 Day Blog Challenge-Day 4}}

SEVEN THINGS THAT CROSS MY MIND A LOT

{{In no particular order of importance}}

1. What IF I can't get pregnant?{{ I know. IF. Tiny word. HUGE meaning}}
2. Exactly how much longer can I handle this commute? {{My internal response is 'until you have children' which then leads me back to thought #1}} Though, I must say, changing my gym schedule before work has helped tremendously. It has cut my 1 1/2 hour commute in the morning down to 50 minutes.
3. When will I EVER get to a place where I can save money for a house? It seems like everytime I get ahead, something happens and catapults me back in the other direction. I just want something that's mine.
4.  My day WILL come, right? White picket fence optional.
5. I miss having an original BEST friend. I'm everyone's 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc Best Friend {Except his, but I'm referring to girls here} I miss having that one person that has known you your whole life.  Life didn't deal me good odds on that one.
6. HIM. He's ALWAYS on my mind. First thought in the morning and last thought at night. I've never been so emotionally, mentally, physically etc connected to someone before. 
7. I'm going back to NASHVILLE! EEEEEEEEEEEE! I'm so excited!
   
   
   
   

{{10 Day Blog Challenge-Day 3}}

8 Ways to Win My Heart

Sorry, this one was kinda boring :P

{{10 Day Blog Challenge-Day 2}}

9 THINGS ABOUT ME: 

1. I have an irrational fear of parking garage gates falling on my car as I'm half way through. Well, it COULD happen, couldn't it?
2. I LOVE going to COUNTRY concerts. I'd say it's probably a hobby at this point.{{Yeah, I'll go with that because I'm lacking in hobbies as it is}}
3. I contemplate getting rid of FaceBook almost on the daily, because it's a constant reminder that I haven't had a baby yet. {{This is not a reflection of how I feel about my friends who have had a baby, or two, or even three}}
4. I'm running my 1st 1/2 Marathon in October and I'm TERRIFIED that I won't be able to run the whole thing because sometimes my reverse psychology works against me instead of with me.
5. I hate feet. Especially my feet. They're fat and they don't fit right in ANY pair of shoes. 
6.  The older I've gotten, the more afraid of heights I've become. I never used to be afraid of heights. Not sure where this came from. I don't like it.
7. I'm a little crazy about my house being clean. It legitimately stresses me out if I don't clean 1x/week. Summer is really getting in the way of  my cleaning schedule. 
8. I like to play cribbage though I'm not that great at it.
9. I don't tend to recognize the things I do well at. It causes some anxiety during mid-year/annual reviews and interviews.

 

 

{{10 Day Blog Challenge-Day 1}}

Since I'm on a roll, I figured why stop now? I'm going to attempt a 10 Day Blog Challenge*

*Disclaimer: This 10 Day Blog Challenge may indeed take more than 10 days.

Okay here goes, TEN things you want to say to TEN different people right now {{in no particular order}}:

I.

• You were right. It was a show. I only wished you'd have told me differently. Maybe I would have realized it.
• I've picked up the phone to call you on more than one occasion but I never dial your number.
• I miss you.
• There are so many days I think that we've been through so much, we can't possibly throw it all away.
• You look incredibly happy and that makes me happy, you deserve it.
• It breaks my heart that I'm not part of your life anymore.
• You have always cut right through me with your words, but deep down I don't believe you really think those things, or do you?
• You'll always be my first best friend.
• You've always had a life I envied.
• I still think you're one of the most beautiful people I've ever met.

II.

• I saw your picture the other day and it didn't make my heart hurt.
• I wished I could have gotten closure another way, but it was the closure I needed.
• I never meant to hurt you. I am truly sorry for the way things finally ended.
• I didn't/don't know who you are anymore but I believe I got to experience a side of you that no one else ever has.
• I hope you find happiness and peace in your life
• I'm so greatful that I don't compare anyone to you any longer.
• I hope you'll be faithful to the 'one'.
• You put a lot on me that I couldn't handle emotionally. 
• You were right, I had met someone else. But it wasn't the same as before. It was over between you and I. Finally.
• You showed me what I did and did not want for me life, and for that I'll always be thankful.

III.

• I admire you, your marriage and your life..
• I miss you, your husband, and your sweet children.
• You did a lot for me that I'll never forget.
• I always felt I'd let you down when I got divorced.
• Because of that, you were the last person I told and why I've subconsciously kept my distance.
• You're one of the sweetest, most genuine people I've ever met.
• My life is forever changed crossing your path.
• Reading your husband's Christmas letter is one of the highlights of my holiday.
• Thank you for introducing me to Friday Night Lights-it is by far one of my favorite television series.
• I hope to be 1/2 the parent you are to your children. 

IV.

• If I could give you every single penny back, I would.
• You were the best 'parents' to me, I'd ever had.
• I always admired how you built your business from the ground up.
• I've considering writing a million times, but because how much time has passed, I thought it would be inappropriate.
• I didn't know how else to deal with it. I wish I could have reached out, but I couldn't. I didn't think I deserved to. 
• You were one helluva business woman. I admired that, too. 
• I miss camp. 
• You spoiled me. Rotten. I can't thank you enough. 
• Decorating the Christmas tree is still one of my favorite memories
• And though I couldn't have predicted the end in a million years, I am forever greatful our lives crossed paths.

V.

• You have forever changed me.
• I truly believe you're my soul mate.
• I can't imagine a single day of my life without you in it.
• Although I falter with confidence often, I've never felt so beautiful as I do with you.
• You're the first person that has never tried to change me. Thank you.
• I have never been so open and honest with anyone in my life. You know my deepest, darkest secrets and I wouldn't have it any other way.
• I hate every second that you're gone but I admire how much passion you have for your profession. 
•  You're the smartest man I've ever met. 
• You challenge me every day, in a good way, and it's one of the things I love about you.
• Seeing you with a child melts my heart over and over again. I can't wait to have your child. You're going to be the most amazing daddy.

VI.

• I don't know why you never try to make plans with me. It drives me bananas. But, I don't initiate plans either. 
• I love your children as if they were my own blood.
• You have everything I want and sometimes I think you don't realize that. 
• I truly believe we are connected in a way that defies logic
• Thank you for introducing me to running
• I miss seeing you weekly. 
• Thank you for opening my eyes up to new experiences
•  You're a phenomenal mother
• I really need to/want to learn ASL. You inspire me to do so.
• I'm proud of the young woman you've become

VII.

• I saw your photo the other day and was taken back. Your life has caught up to you.
• I used to think you ruined me, but now I know how strong I really am.
• I wish you would have gotten professional help and stuck with it.
• You're very smart and you threw that away.
• You've missed more of my life than you experienced. 
• I wish I knew the truth about my brother. Somewhere out there is someone that shares 1/2 of my DNA and it makes me sad I'll never get to know him. I'm probably an Aunt. 
• I have your FB page saved as a favorite, so I can check in on you from time to time. 
• I'm so envious of all my friends that spend time with their mothers. I'll never have that. You took that from me.
• I listen to the same song every mother's day, "I wonder" by Kellie Pickler.
• I think I developed my eclectic taste in music from you.

VIII.

• I wish you weren't so passive aggressive. 
• I know I wasn't your choice, but I should have been an option you chose.
• I don't understand why or how you don't want anything to do with me.
• Between you and VII, I've been excluded from knowing my 'family'
• I wish I could be part of my brother's lives, but the situation makes it complicated. 
• Stop contacting me on Facebook. You're an adult and I'm an adult. But, you're still the parent. If you want to be part of my life, pick up the phone. 
• I gave you ZERO trouble. I don't know why you always acted like I was so delinquent. 
• I don't know why you never stood up for me. I was/am your child. I deserved more than that. 
• I won't keep my children from you unless you treat me disrespectfully.
• I've thought about calling a million times, putting everything under the bridge, but it's less stressful this way.

IX.

• When we actually had a conversation that didn't involve country music, I breathed a sigh of relief.
• I don't know why, but you were one person I wanted so desperately to like me. 
• You're by far one of the funniest people I've ever met. 
• I have so much fun with you.
• I talk to you more than your husband now. When did that happen?
• You never had anything to worry about. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. 
• I was astonished the other day when you initiated a hug. Ha. 
• You look better in those pants than I ever did. I'm always so damn envious. 
• You're also one of the most patient, easy going people I've ever met. I could learn from you in that respect. 
• I can't imagine going to a country concert without you. Concert Buddies for Life. {Said in the voice of Ted}

X.

•  People have said that we were an unlikely pairing
• I don't always understand your connection to social media which makes me seem like a bitch. For that, I'm sorry. It's taken me a while to realize that's just part of you. 
• Your workout posts annoyed me for a span of time. Mostly because I felt like you were acting superior after giving me such a hard time about counting calories etc earlier in the year.  I'm over that now and I hope you forgive me. {{I also don't think they were meant to 'act superior', it's just how I interpreted it at that time.}}
• I'm really proud of your progress and your passion towards working out. 
• I struggle with long distance relationships. Sometimes I need to be reeled back in because I can very easily put up a barrier. 
• I want to start up weekly calls again. I felt more connected to you that way. 
• I can't wait for you to meet Mr. Right and fall madly in love. That's my wish for you.
• I hate seeing you once a year. 
• I'm really proud of you for not settling for less than you deserve. 
• You're a source of clarity that I haven't found in anyone else. 

And now that I've finally finished this post, I realize why I don't blog more often. It makes me cry. Aint nobody got time for dat!

{{It's a holiday when we're together, I wanna stay with you forever}}

Is thing even on......Hello?.......Hellloooooo? No? I didn't think so.  It's been a while, eh?


So much has transpired over the last few months, I'm not even sure where to begin. I'll start with the obvious [[Up there! The blog title]] I have been SO spoiled over the last 2 months. C has been home a plethora of weekends and the majority of the week, too! His time home has been so wonderful. I think it is safe to say that the rough patch we were experiencing is finally behind us. Things have been our own version of perfection. Him being home so much is a blessing and a curse though because so often I find myself daydreaming of what it'd be like if he worked Monday through Friday. {{Although, that probably wouldn't work in my favor...I'd be plump for sure. We know how to eat and drink like champs when he's home}} I tried very very very hard to stay in the moment during these last few months and soak in every minute we spent together because I knew, eventually, it would end.  Here's what we've been up to:

I turned THIRTY!

First Place/Last Place

I got to go on one of his trips to FL

One of my best friends got married <3

Forth of July 2013

We've been on the bike. LEGALLY

He came to my first 5K of the year

Another BIKE day

We went to the beach

And for the most part, it has ended {{Though, we still have a week in August to spend together}} but for new and exciting reasons. He got a new job! {{No, it isn't Monday through Friday. All those wishes on 11:11 haven't paid off yet.}}It is, however, a step in a much better direction for him. The part that affects  us the most....more SCHEDULED. I love that word. I mean, let's face it. If you know me at all, you know I'm a pretty regimented person.

I set out to have an amazing summer this year. There would be no repeat of last year. It has far surpassed last summer...I have been to two concerts, and have two more to attend, witnessed a best friend's wedding and get to be apart of another good friend's wedding, had several beach days and hopefully several more, a long weekend on the CAPE with Katrina , and a week of camping with FRAMILY which means I get to see Helen. Oh, and the weather has been EXCELLENT. Hot, but I won't complain.

Here's a snapshot:

Trust me, we didn't need that bucket of sugar.

First Beach Trip!

Words aren't enough. AH-MAZING concert

We saw TIM!

Peas!

I got to hang out with this happy baby for a few days!

 In other news...my position at work got eliminated. GASP. It is NOT fun being on the other end of corporate restructuring. Trust me.  They eliminated the RFP only SA, the hybrid SA, and our quote technicians. In our places, they have created a new position called a 'proposal technician' {IE. Thank you, but no thank you}} and they fancied up the Service SA's title and job duties. We had the option of applying for 1 or both of the positions. Given my almost 7 years in the industry {SEVEN?! WHEN did THAT happen?} I opted to apply for the Account Consultant position. So it's ironic isn't it? I took this job here in Boston for the opportunity to do service, now here I am a little over a year later on the chopping block.  I have been waiting almost 4 very long, very stressful {stressful in the sense that I have NO idea what's going to happen and I was having nightmares almost nightly for a few weeks about losing my job} weeks to find out my fate. I am doing my very best to remain positive because let's face it, there's NOTHING I can do about this situation but ride it out.  If I don't get this position, I will be trained as a proposal technician anyway to help carry out the transition. {{What that really means is that I'll be looking for another job}} So, cross your fingers for me. I don't feel that my time here in Boston is done.

Speaking of Boston. I joined a gym there. {{Thanks to my rep for introducing it to me a few weeks ago}} Yep, it's pricey. But oh-my-gawd, is it the nicest gym I've EVER stepped foot in. {{http://www.healthworksfitness.com/clubs/back-bay/}} It has 2 floors of gym GOODNESS, in addition to a fully stocked locker room {{This means I don't have to lug the majority of my shower stuff, blow dryer etc to work every day}} It also has cut my 3-4 hour/day commute down to a little over 2. {{and what this means is, I am A LOT happier when I arrive home. I have time to sit down and actually unwind}} I have 1 week of leaving between 5 and 515am under my belt and no complaints thus far. I joined during a promotion so I was able to score 10 free small group training classes, 2 meetings with the personal trainer and a 25 minute massage. The only downside to this? I won't be going to the studio anymore. This makes me super sad, but I still have classes to use, so I don't have to let go just yet. The upside? I'm starting to feel pretty good about how I look. I still have a ways to go before I'm back to where I want to be, but overall it's been going really well. I'm trying to add in more strength training in preparation for my first 1/2 marathon. {{Because when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. I said I'd run a 1/2 the year I turned 30 and I will}} So far the running itself isn't where I'd like to be but I'm trying to remain optimistic that I'll get my mileage up sooner than later.  I keep waiting for that 'feeling' I used to get when I ran. The one that said, "ahhhh, this feels good, I could run forever". Luckily, I've moved beyond the, "This is friggin hard. Why did I quit running for so long?".

Shameless selfie. I know.

{{ I can barely stand up, I can hardly breathe...Pour me something stronger than me}}

I wouldn't describe myself as someone who has a stellar memory. There are , however, certain memories that have etched themselves so deep that I couldn't forget even if I tried. They're usually extreme, mostly bad mixed with a few good.  One vivid memory that keeps resurfacing was two {{or was it just one?}}week(s) after C and I met.  We were at Pine Point Beach, taking advantage of a 70+ degree day in late September. I was standing close enough to the water for the waves to lap my toes, gazing at the horizon, and admiring the blue sky. Reflecting back now, in my 29 years of living, it was one of the most perfect days I have experienced. It was as though all the stars had aligned. The weather, the scenery, the company, the temperature of the ocean... everything had come together perfectly.  I closed my eyes for what seemed like less than a second and the rest of my life flashed before my eyes. Snapshots of different life events, like an old movie highlight reel.  I saw myself in the future. I saw myself  having children, and growing old....with him. It awakened something deep inside of me that no one else had ever even scratched the surface of. Prior to this, I had never seen myself any further in life.  I always thought the future would find it's way to you, that the images would develop as you moved through life. All the previous times I had tried to picture my life, I always saw an empty reel spinning round and round.  I thought I'd wake up someday and all the pieces would fall into place, that perhaps my movie just hadn't been scripted yet. So there I was, standing with a man I'd known less than 15 days and suddenly I can see my life? It didn't make sense at all.  It scared me. But there are people that say that sometimes love doesn't make sense and that's why you should trust it. So, I did. I trusted it with all I had. I knew that day that I loved him in a way I had never loved before. {{I didn't identify it as love at the time but looking back now I'm sure that was the moment I realized I was in love with him.}}  I wasn't sure what it was, as it didn't seem possible or rational to feel the way I felt. I barely knew him, but somehow felt I had known him my whole life. When he looked at me, it felt like he was truly looking AT me. He saw me for the person I was, the person I wasn't, and the person I had the potential to be.

 But, now, here I am, almost 19 months later and when I close my eyes, the screen is black. It is as though, the person running the projector has wandered off and the film has slipped off the track causing the movie to suddenly stop. An empty black screen.

{{You're trying not to stop until you get where you're going}}

 
I spend so much time at work and on my Iphone that I rarely get the urge to dig out my laptop at home. Even now I think there's so many other things I could be doing than sitting in front of a screen but I have already done dishes, made mini pumpkin muffins {{Spice Cake Mix, can of pure pumpkin, 2/3 cup of water, 1/8 give or take of mini chocolate chips baked for about 13 minutes at 350= pretty darn delicious and not THAT terrible for you. It's a weight watchers recipe afterall. I made mine in a mini pan versus the full size and the recipe says 1 full size is worth 2 points so mine must be.... whoa....I digress}} and started a grocery list.

FIRST let me start by saying I am OBSESSED with the new song by Tim McGraw feat Taylor Swift {and Keith Urban?}  Seriously, go look it up and listen to it. I've had it on repeat for at least the last 1/2 hour. That's how I do songs I love. I wear them right out.

Sure hits home when the one you love is an Asphalt Cowboy

Where were we? OH! Here I am! ONE YEAR LATER. So much can happen over the course of the year. Cliche? Maybe. So true though.

One Year Later

 I know three to four different routes to and from work

 I know where I'm parked in the garage

I've run along the Charles River

I've eaten a delicous dinner in the North End

I've had a cannoli

I've gotten on a very crowded subway

I've seen them light the tree in the Common

I've seen the holiday lights

I've seen the PRU change the color of their lights

I've walked around Back Bay without getting lost

HolidayTree in the Common

First Run around the Charles

Represented the Grand Opening of Microsoft

Beautiful City

These may seem silly to you, but for me, they're huge accomplishments. Granted, I have a ways to go especially style wise. {{If ONLY I had unlimited funds to buy all the things pinned to my style board on Pinterest}}But I'm getting there. I feel less and less like an outsider and more and more like I belong.

I cannot remember exactly when it happened but I do remember there was a moment at work when I exhaled, looked around the office and thought, 'I finally made it. I no longer feel like the new girl anymore'. ohmygawd.didthatfeelamazing! I am undoubtedly blessed to have walked into an office of people that feel more like family than co-workers. That is highly improbable in most small offices that are predominantly female. I've formed some wonderful friendships. After a stellar review, I'm hopeful that this 'job' will become a successful 'career'

AND THEN there was this day I no longer cried when he left the yard. I should have recorded that on the calendar because I was certain that day would never come.  Now, that's not to say that I don't still miss him terribly when he's gone, because I do. So damn much. I have certainly done my fair share of weeble wobbling along the lines of, "is this the situation I want to be in for the rest of my life?" But, it always comes back to that indescrible feeling that overtakes me when I see him. I know without a doubt that I'm in this for better or for worse.  We have established previously that I'm a runner when things get tough. It is certainly not an attribute I'm proud, but over the years I've built up a pretty good " leave before left" defense mechinism. I couldn't walk away from this even if I tried.  I try to remind myself that our time apart could be a lot worse.{{January and February had him home 14 days a month. March isn't shaping up to be so hot currently but it IS the beginning of busy season}} He could be in the military. {{I know in my heart of hearts, I couldn't be a military wife. Kudos to all of you that are. You're amazing}} He could be a merchant marine. {{Hmm, they get longer stretches home though, don't they? And it's pretty scheduled? Maybe that wouldn't be soooo bad. No, never mind. I can barely last 7 days, let alone 21 or *gasp* months. I'm certain my record has been 9 days. I wasn't fairing too well by the end of that stretch} He could be in any of those various professions that take men away from their families. I should feel so lucky to have someone in my life that I WANT to spend THAT much time with. It is a situation that's getting 'easier' to adjust to. It doesn't feel like he's abandoning me when he leaves. It doesn't feel like he might never come back. It doesn't feel like I'm utterly and completely alone anymore.

I attribute this new found 'settled' feeling to my ability to adapt. Eventually. I've adapted to my schedule. I've adapted to phone conversations and day long text messages instead of seeing people in person as often as I used to. AND I made a friend in NH. Yes, a GIRL FRIEND. Funny story about that....I was perusing Craigslist one night looking for an effortless second job because I thought it'd be the only way to meet someone in this area. {{Yes, you can call that temporary insanity  because while I would make it work if I HAD to, there's really no way in hell I'd want to add a second job on top of my fully time job and part time commute}} Needless to say, nothing caught my attention so I started poking around the different sections of CL. I stumbled onto the "platonic" section and thought " do people REALLY post on here". Well yes, yes they do, incase you're wondering. So I clicked on the first ad that caught my attention roughly titled "In Need of GFs". I thought to myself, god damn, I'm in need of a real life person that lives in this state. I'm about to go insane. So, I responded, hesitantly. Let's be honest. The internet is scary. I've never really set out to meet anyone online. {{Aside from that guy I dated in high school, but that was more like a fluke. What were the chances he would live in the area I had NO idea I was about to move to? }} Anywho. I waited a few days. I thought to myself, that was dumb, I shouldn't have bothered. AND THEN I GOT A REPLY. I'm not gonna lie. I was giddy at the possibility of actually getting along with this girl. We e-mailed back and forth some pretty lengthy emails for a few weeks before we decided to meet for dinner. It's safe to say that we've been Friday Night lady date pals ever since.{{{Insert pretty funny story in which I told my two BFFs to call the police if they didn't hear from me by 9pm and completely forgot my DND was on and didn't check in until closer to 10pm. No one could ever say I don't have caring or concerned friends. Only trouble is everyone is too far away to do much about it if I  I'd say we're from pretty opposite walks in life but we have the ability to talk for hours and completely lose track of time. It's such a relief to have someone to eat chips and salsa, talk about random stuff and just relax with. Bonus, she loves the beach so when Cowboy is sitting at the weekend horse shows sweating underneath that sexy hat of his, I'll have my butt in the sand, soaking up the sun, reading girly magazines and splish splashing in the ocean with a friend. Total opposite of last year. Though Katrina, you and I WILL hit the beach up more than twice if I have anything to say about it.

{{It's not much of a life you're living, It's just not something you take, it's given}}

Oh. Whoa. Whoa. Been a little too long since I sat down and got my thoughts out in black and white. So, 2013 where the hell did you come from? I feel like 2012 was a blur.

So, here we are. January 2013. Another opportunity to start "over" for the year. Man, do I ever need to start over with some aspects of my life. So, I started with my eating habits. I am attempting some form of "clean" eating which for me basically meant, out with the pasta and in with the fruit and vegetables. I also decided for the month of January to give up Caffeine, Alcohol, Dining Out, and Sweets. The first 7 days without coffee was MISERABLE. I was in a aweful, terrible, horrible NO GOOD mood. I wasn't sure C would survive my mood swings. But, ALAS, we made it. And other than 1/2 of Michelob Ultra Pomegranate Raspberry beer, I've done pretty good so far with the rest of the list. I have even managed to track my food every day since 1/2  and thus far am down 2.1 lbs. Doesn't seem like a whole lot but I have never actually TRIED to lose weight. The first time in 2007 was sort of a fluke. I started working out for the first time ever and voila, lost 20lbs. All the other times had to do with 'running' season. So, this is a new challenge for me.  In addition to the better eating, I re-started my 10K program and have successfully completed 2 weeks. In between, I've added some pinterest and on demand workouts. I am feeling a heck-of-a lot better though I know I still have a long road ahead of me. 

Work is going well. Hard to believe it is creeping up on a year already. I received early approval to start working at home on FRIDAYS. So unexpected and so looking forward to it. Savings in numbers:

Miles Per Month:  376-ish

$$$ in Tolls Per Month: $10.00

$$$ in Gas Per Month: $35-ish

Hours Per Day:  2.5-3 depending on season and constructions  

And so, I've recently realized that holycrap have I been through some change? I know, how could I not realize that before? I didn't have time to realize it. I was too busy trying to adjust to my new job, my new commute, and my new surroundings. Now, that I'm adjusted to those 3 things, it leaves me available to focus on everything else. Please let me re-phrase that. It leaves me available to overanalyze and freak out about everything else.  Some of the points are founded but the majority of the others are irrational, I'll admit {{always after the fact, of course}} Let me tell you, it is REALLY difficult to be out of your element. Everything about this relocation has been out of my element. So many factors came into play over the last year that I never took the time to consider: Proximity from my friends, my foundation, the time commuting would take, the effort it takes to find a doctor and/or dentist with new insurance, the lack of a place to run outside, and the inability to m eet new people due to lack of exposure to others both at my job and in the town that I live in. Add all that up and top it off with a boyfriend who is away as much as mine is. You guessed it, recipe for absolute emotional chaos.  Truly, something that drives home how much he truly loves me is that he's seen me through every single breakdown and hasn't left me. Honestly, I would have left me. I would have lost my patience a helluva long time ago.  

I can never fully articulate how difficult it is to go from being a) married, which meant I had a built-in person to hang out with all of the time b) having a foundation of 'married' couples to socialize with and  c) being in the same 'space' for so many years to a) Divorced. GASP! to DATING {I really hate the word dating. And over time I've come to realize that 'husband' sounds so much better than 'boyfriend'} a person who doesn't have a M-F job which means I no longer have a built-in person to hang out with b) smaller foundation of  married friends who are raising a family and 'single' friends who aren't overly close geographically and c) being in a different 'space' for a short amount of time.  Don't get me wrong, I know all these things take an adequate amount of time. And please, don't you dare feed me the " you're still young, you have plenty of time ahead of you" I know all of these things. But, if you know me. You know I'm not good at "time" So, I am trying to make 2013 about taking the time. Because, while yes, I'm 'dating', he makes me happier than I ever dreamed I could be. {When I'm not ruminating on the 105 reasons I think it won't work instead of focusing on the 1 reason it will} While, the majority of my friends are spaced out, I have some people in my life that make it a point to reach out to me every day, so much so, that sometimes it doesn't even feel like they live miles and miles away. While I am in a new space, I'm in love with our little house and I'm really enjoying my 'city' job. I just need to do a better job with  Living in the Moment. Staying Present.    

 

{{Sure ain't no river baby, it's just my so called life}}

I have been MIA. For a while. It occurs to me, I only write when I'm miserable. That's not really how I wanted this blog to go. Years ago, my best writing came from pain.  A conundrum I find myself in. Do I continue this on? Do I only write when sad? But if I do that, people will think I'm all sorts of messed up. 50 shades of f@#&ed up, if you will. Speaking of that. I just finished Book 2. I know, I know, I know. There's a TON of controversy over these books. I gotta say.... Book 1. A little intense. By by the end, I wanted...no...I needed to know more about the characters. By the end of Book 2, it wasn't about the sex anymore. I wasn't as affected by the scenes as I was in Book 1. Book 1 had me going...'do people really do this?!' I think it's the psych  major in me. I just wanted to know what his deal is. And for the most part, now I know, and it makes sense in some weird way. The thing I really connected to was her feelings for him. Uncaged, Unleashed, Uninhibited, Limitless. I can connect to that. Never in my life have I felt that way towards anyone I have been with. There's something very vulnerable about it. Yes, I am aware they are fictional characters, but I can't be the only one who has connected with a book character before, right? I mean, she even says "crazy with K". I thought I was the ONLY person that said that, ha.

So...what have I been doing over the last month or so? I've been being social. *GASP* I know. I know. I thought it'd never happen, but yes, I've been keeping busy. I went to my first truck show. We've been on a few double dates.  I've seen some different parts of the city, had some great food, and even better drinks. I'm finally feeling a little more at ease here, which is a pretty good feeling. Summer seeems to be flying by, as I thought it would. (See, I'm not as crazy as I appear, I said it would go by fast) I cannot believe it is almost July, already. I was also starting to get into my 10K running routine. I counted the weeks out and I would finish my program the first week of September, which I thought would be perfect for a 10K, after all I love fall running. Then, I had to get sick. AGAIN. This happened to me last time. I worked out 4-5 days consecutively then BAM. Immune system is giving me a huge middle finger and knocking me back on my rump again. I'm SO.NOT.IMPRESSED. Especially, since I've actually had good weather to run. I'm so desperate to get back to a normal running routine. It's killing me to do these intervals of only running a few minutes at a time. But I know, I have to follow it if I want to build my endurance back up. How is it even possible that last year at this time I was running the best I've ever run.? Oh how I miss track... It is amazing how much progress you can lose. Though, that is what I get for not making it a priority over the last year. But, enough is enough. I'm happy when I run. I'm happy when my clothes fit. I'm happy when I don't feel like a whale at the beach. {Don't. Don't start with your eye rolling here. You have to understand that I've seen my potential. I let that get out of hand} So, I'm determined to get back to it, even if that means getting up at 4:45am. I don't enjoy it, but it is really the only guarantee that it'll get done. My afternoons are so unpredictible, no thanks to traffic. I have to say that I've never been a good morning runner (though, that's funny because my best running has been at races in the morning, but that's neither here nor there) so this interval training thing has been good for me in the mornings.  That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I miss my Maine friends like crazy. I thank goodness for Facebook so I can keep up with how much their children have grown and what's going on in their lives. Life, sure has a way of bringing you close and taking you away. I am still learning how to manage that balance. I won't lie and say that I've gotten real good at it. I haven't. But, I'm trying in the ways I know how.

And I should mention that I'm very much looking forward to vacation in July. I know I just started my job, but I really do just need a week to breathe. Everything in the city is always go go go and go some more. I am not adjusted to that yet. I look forward to spending time with a few of my amazing friends, breathing in some good old fashioned Maine air, and dipping my toes and/or whole body into the ocean and just being carefree for a week. 28 days and couting.

{Excuse me, too busy, oh writing your tragedy}

You know, it's almost ironic that I've been overplaying Jason Mraz's "I won't give up" for the past two weeks. Sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I smile. But mostly, I just keep repeating to myself that I won't give up. I mean of course I won't give up. I don't give up. I don't quit things. I don't throw in the towel when things get too difficult. Right? Wrong.

It occured to me tonight that my instant reaction to things is to quit. I'm not sure when this happened. I can't quite pin point it when I thought fighting for something no longer mattered. What I can say is that I'm disappointed in myself. There's nothing like the feeling of disappointment. I don't think I react like this to everything. Or at least, I don't think so. A close friend brought up the point that I didn't quit my new job when I failed my first exam. I didn't run back to Maine when I realized how difficult it was to be alone in a new place. I thought about how I didn't quit school when I was working three jobs AND going to school {By the way, why did I go to school again? *sigh* That's a blog post for a rainy day}  I didn't give up on relationships after my divorce. I didn't give up my respect for marriage. I didn't give up on the idea of family when mine ceased to exist. I didn't give up when she told me I wouldn't amount to anything, if anything I fought harder to be something.  I didn't give up the dream of being a mother when I couldn't get pregnant. I thought perserverence was a strength of mine. I thought I was a fighter. I thought wrong.

It seems to be in my personal relationships, that I give up too easily. Can you believe that? The one area, I should fight to keep in tact. AND MAYBE, just MAYBE, that's what people meant when they said I acted like everyone was disposable. Why didn't I reach out? Because it was too damn hard for me. Because I didn't want to broadcast I failed. Because I thought to myself, why should I have to contact all these people when they had only one person to contact.  But keeping to myself portrayed indifference. Outwardly, it appeared I just didn't give a damn. It ultimately lead to failed friendships. Friendships I still mourn even though I know it is too late. But, it's not too late for my relationship. I realize now that it is his point of view I hear when I listen to that song. He won't give up on me. He's had plenty of opportunities to. He didn't give up when I told him I was going through a divorce. He didn't give up when I exposed my past. The good, the bad, and most certainly the ugly. He didn't give up when we got in our first fight. I feel like I've programmed myself to just expect him to walk away, but he doesn't. He fights for me. He sees something in us, he thinks is worth it.  It never even dawned on me. Until tonight, when I was ready to give up. I remember telling myself last July that I was worth fighting for. It was so liberating to feel that way. To feel self worth. To know that somewhere, someday, I would find someone who would make me the one thing in their life they didn't want to lose.  So, why would I push away the one person who thinks I'm worth fighting for?

I don't have an answer to that question. I only know that it has to stop. The last thing I want is to lose someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone who, not only believes in me, but believes in us. Someone who sees a beauty in me, I didn't even know existed. Someone who doesn't walk away when things get tough. Someone who makes me want to be a better person.