What was it that Charlene said when she opted to leave the Bachelor? "I feel sick, sick in the way you feel when you make a decision and you don't know if it is the right one...." Something along those lines? That's how I feel. Sick. Sick in the way you feel, when you finally verbalize a decision that may just be the most difficult one you've ever had to make. That's saying a lot considering my history.
I'm exhausted and mentally drained. I feel like I've searched the vast ends of my heart and soul to make this work. The hard and fast truth is that it just isn't working. I long for more. I long for something this love, in itself, just isn't fulfilling deep inside of me.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
A bit shy of three years since I have graced the internet with my blog presence. It is with great intent that I plan on becoming a regular here again. It is my hope that I can use this space as an outlet to successfully express the sad, the happy and wide range of emotions in between.
Memorial Day, a day that most are throwing a back yard BBQ, tossing back beers and/or letting their thoughts wander to those who have died to allow the freedom of beer and bbq, was a monumental day in my life. It will forever define a 'before' and 'after' in my life. On Memorial Day, I packed everything I owned into the back of a U-Haul truck (so thankful for the amazing support and help I had) and left New Hampshire, life as I had known it for 4 1/2 years, my marriage, and my husband behind me.
And before you say it, because I know you're thinking it.... "again"- Let me get ahead of you, yes... 'again'. This time, it did not happen over night. It was not a result of a 45 second phone call. It did not go without tears. It did not go without a fight. It did not go without thorough consideration. I did not go until I could no longer quiet the voice in my head. I did not go until I could no longer circumvent the anxiety that had manifested very physically. I did not go until I could no longer calm myself when my body shook uncontrollably. I did not go until I no longer had the ability to breathe through the intense pain. I did not go until I could no longer truthfully deny that as right as we were for each other at one time, we would always be a little too wrong. I did not go until I knew that staying would inevitably be worse than leaving; despite staying being the easiest and most obvious choice.