{Excuse me, too busy, oh writing your tragedy}

You know, it's almost ironic that I've been overplaying Jason Mraz's "I won't give up" for the past two weeks. Sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I smile. But mostly, I just keep repeating to myself that I won't give up. I mean of course I won't give up. I don't give up. I don't quit things. I don't throw in the towel when things get too difficult. Right? Wrong.

It occured to me tonight that my instant reaction to things is to quit. I'm not sure when this happened. I can't quite pin point it when I thought fighting for something no longer mattered. What I can say is that I'm disappointed in myself. There's nothing like the feeling of disappointment. I don't think I react like this to everything. Or at least, I don't think so. A close friend brought up the point that I didn't quit my new job when I failed my first exam. I didn't run back to Maine when I realized how difficult it was to be alone in a new place. I thought about how I didn't quit school when I was working three jobs AND going to school {By the way, why did I go to school again? *sigh* That's a blog post for a rainy day}  I didn't give up on relationships after my divorce. I didn't give up my respect for marriage. I didn't give up on the idea of family when mine ceased to exist. I didn't give up when she told me I wouldn't amount to anything, if anything I fought harder to be something.  I didn't give up the dream of being a mother when I couldn't get pregnant. I thought perserverence was a strength of mine. I thought I was a fighter. I thought wrong.

It seems to be in my personal relationships, that I give up too easily. Can you believe that? The one area, I should fight to keep in tact. AND MAYBE, just MAYBE, that's what people meant when they said I acted like everyone was disposable. Why didn't I reach out? Because it was too damn hard for me. Because I didn't want to broadcast I failed. Because I thought to myself, why should I have to contact all these people when they had only one person to contact.  But keeping to myself portrayed indifference. Outwardly, it appeared I just didn't give a damn. It ultimately lead to failed friendships. Friendships I still mourn even though I know it is too late. But, it's not too late for my relationship. I realize now that it is his point of view I hear when I listen to that song. He won't give up on me. He's had plenty of opportunities to. He didn't give up when I told him I was going through a divorce. He didn't give up when I exposed my past. The good, the bad, and most certainly the ugly. He didn't give up when we got in our first fight. I feel like I've programmed myself to just expect him to walk away, but he doesn't. He fights for me. He sees something in us, he thinks is worth it.  It never even dawned on me. Until tonight, when I was ready to give up. I remember telling myself last July that I was worth fighting for. It was so liberating to feel that way. To feel self worth. To know that somewhere, someday, I would find someone who would make me the one thing in their life they didn't want to lose.  So, why would I push away the one person who thinks I'm worth fighting for?

I don't have an answer to that question. I only know that it has to stop. The last thing I want is to lose someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone who, not only believes in me, but believes in us. Someone who sees a beauty in me, I didn't even know existed. Someone who doesn't walk away when things get tough. Someone who makes me want to be a better person.

{{ I am just a bit undone, misplaced, and burned like fire}}

You know that feeling that stops you still, immediately? The one that cuts right through to the heart of you? The one that, before you know it, tears are streaming down your face, the pain has welled up in your throat so quickly that you struggle to swallow, you fight to breathe steady... you close your eyes, hoping that when you open them, the feeling will have passed, but you're mistaken? That skims the surface of what I'm feeling right now.

I heard from a former mutual friend tonight. While I respect what she had to say, it doesn't stop the pain. To be told that I made people feel disposable and that my actions spoke volumes to my character. It destroys me all over again.  And still, I can't tell you that I would have or could have handled the situation any differently. I withdrew. He reached out. I was silent. He talked. I can't change that. I didn't know how to reach out. I didn't know what to say. I can picture the conversation in my head now, "Hey friend. I just failed at being a wife... wanna have coffee?" When you spend a portion of your life feeling like you were never good enough, it over shadows just about every aspect of you life, including your friendships. I get the impression people think this was no big deal for me, that I just left {and let me just clarify, I was asked to pack my stuff. I didn't just walk out...got to love the rumors I've heard. I left him high and dry. Uh Huh.} and never turned back. While, I know that this was inevitible, there's not one ounce of me that'll tell you that any of this was easy. I used to lie awake at night, thinking if I could just piece things back together, I wouldn't have to lose anything. I could just swallow my unhappiness because what I had to lose was so much more than I'd have to gain. But I knew, in order to be true to myself, that I had to admit that things were never going to work between him and I. I couldn't sweep my unhappiness under the rug to keep my perfect looking life.  Does anyone ever stop and consider what I lost? I lost everything I had ever wanted in my life. I lost a family. I lost role models. I lost certainty and stability. I lost my sense of direction. I lost my place in life. I lost a piece of myself. Not only did I lose a husband, but I lost nearly all of my friends. Yeah, that was easy. I think that took a helluva lot of courage. I know a lot of women who would have just stayed, would have said/done the right things to patch the holes, who wouldn't have had enough faith in themselves. I may not think a lot of myself, but a small part of me had to have had faith that I was doing what I needed to take care of me. People will say that I should just forget about it and move on but I can't seem to let it go. It's like a car crash on 93, I can't take my eyes off from, trying to figure out how it could have happened. I can't forget the moments I had with 'our' friends. I can't shake the pain I feel when I see pictures of people's babies, wedding plans, and the ways their lives are progressing. All things that I can no longer share with them. I know I'll never be able to attend weddings or parties. I know I have no one to blame but myself, but it doesn't ease the pain.

{{Grey ceiling on the earth, well it lasted for a while, take my thoughts for what they're worth, I've been acting like a child. Your opinion, what is that? It's just a different point of view. What else, what else can I do? I said I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry, but what for? If I hurt you, then I hate myself. I don't want to hate myself, don't wanna hurt you...}}

{Reason, Season, or Lifetime}

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the people in my life.{Facebook stalking will really dredge those thoughts up} There are days I'm blown away by who keeps in touch, who reaches out, who sends the random 'thinking of you' message, and who picks up the phone.{There have been a few that have been surprising} There are days that I'm devastated by who doesn't. {Even though deep down, I knew it would be that way} On those days, I have to remind myself of the above poem. Maybe because it makes it easier to justify? Maybe because it hurts a little less? I suppose the reason I believe it in it isn't all that important. What matters is that I can recognize and apply it to the people in my life, past and present.  I realize how blessed I am for those 'lifetime' friends.

{I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful beautiful life}

I had a good week. There. I said it. Outloud. Man, does it feel good to say! I started the week by being able to cuddle with the boy {which has become a luxury these days}. He even drove me to work and picked me up Tuesday. Spoiled much? {Though I still think it had more to do with the errands he had to run but I'll take his explanation that he wanted to spend as much time with me as possible} Wednesday, the office went out to lunch to treat a co-worker and I for Administrative Professionals Day. I, of course, had NO idea that, that even applied to me. I was very caught off guard. Another amazing lunch I have been spoiled with since starting this job. Wednesday night, I had a shopping/dinner date that I thought went really well. Conversation flowed naturally {which is something I think I'm really bad at...keeping conversation going} It was so nice to laugh and talk about boys. {It really is the little things I miss about having girlfriends} Oh, and the shopping and cheesecake were really good too. She just so happens to be moving closer to me, so I'm hoping there are a lot more dates in store.  Friday, as I drove to work, I realized it was the 27th. Six months. You can only imagine that got my mind reeling about how one of the worst things in my life turned out to be one of the best. I reflected on how different my life was now compared to what it had been. I got to re-visit those thoughts Friday night when I agreed to have a drink with my female sales rep. I'll preface her by saying...have you ever noticed someone and known that you have a lot in common with them but you're not quite sure how to approach them? That's how this was. Little by little, I'd pick up on pieces of her conversation and take note of her actions. So, when she casually threw out "You wanna grab a drink before you leave the city", I took the opportunity. The conversation that ensued was so refreshing. It almost instantly transformed my attitude about life. The similarities in our situations were incredible. I knew almost instantly that I adored her. I can only hope our friendship will continue to grow. Saturday, I woke up inspired. I got right to my chores {which I'm going to be honest, I have been pretty lackadaisical about for the most part} and FINALLY dragged my ass outside for Week 1 Day 1 run. It was nothing to brag about. 1 minute running 1 minute and 1/2 walking for 1/2 hour-ish but it was something. We all know that starting again is the worst part. I just have to power through the first 2 weeks of soreness and I should be good to go. It takes 14 days to build a habit, right? Saturday night, I made the trek to visit my cousin and her boyfriend {Gasp! Yes, I said cousin. As in, actually blood related} They had the idea of heading to Providence for the evening. I didn't realize how close it was to MA. {Insert really really really horrible navigation skills, here} I had an amazing italian dinner followed by crepes that were to die for. Driving back I started reflecting, in the previous 9 months I've experienced CA, NJ, NY, TX and RI. I've touched down in Atlanta and Phoenix. I think that's a pretty good track record for a little girl who had never left Maine. Within the year, I hope to add NC to that list. Never mind hope. I WILL.

{Somewhere In This City, Is A Road I Know}

Pity party is over. I swear. {I even read an article called ' Feel as happy as a pig in Mud' as I wrote tonight}

I woke up this morning and thought to myself,  Enough IS Enough. I have a million and one reasons to be happy. So, I started my morning by downloading a couch to 10K program. Because let's face it. I haven't really run since last July. Do the math on that=not good. I went for a run 3 or so weeks ago and couldn't even make it a mile without feeling like I might collapse. Running has always been hard for me. I hate that {Remember those beautiful children I've already planned for? Well, I'm also planning that they'll get their Daddy's genes} But, running makes me happy and it keeps me fitting comfortably in my clothes. {Let's just say that after....almost 9 months of not working out, the clothes aren't fitting so well.} I'm not gonna lie. I feel foolish doing a couch to 10K program. I mean, I used to run 7 miles for fun. I figured it'd be a sure fire way to build my endurance back up and not overdo it. So, I'll start Day 1 tomorrow. I figure by this fall, I'll be back to my old running ways.  I also organized some strength exercises from this month's Self magazine to incorporate. I have far too much spare time now to NOT be exercising. In addition to the happy hormones and the fact it is almost summer, I also have another reason to get in ridiculously good shape.... I'm participating in a boudoir photo session in July. Eeeek! I've always wanted to do one but I never had a guy in my life that would appreciate an actual photo. {Insert boyfriend who loves photos here} My beautiful and talented friend is trying to expand on her experience and invited me to attend. You should go check her out {www.staciemaddoxphotography.com } 

Switching gears now... I have finally hopped on board the Hunger Games obsession train. Yeah, I know. I'm late. I'm always one or seven steps behind. But seriously. I picked it up in a bookstore a few months ago and read the excerpt on the front cover and thought "eh...I don't wanna read about children dying..."  {Why this is writing in italic, I have no.freaking.idea. I can't seem to remove it. I've tried clicking the button. I've tried ctrl i. I've tried changing the font. Argh. It's driving me cra-aaa-zy} Then,the buzz of the movie started and everyone I knew was talking about it. I was on the outside. I had NO freakin clue what everyone was so excited about. So, I read the first book in about 4 hours while I was in Texas. {In fact, that was the highlight of my Houston trip} I didn't want it to end. I didn't have the second book with me so I started another one I did have hoping that I'd finish before I got home. No such luck. So. For a week, I've stared at book two, knowing that if I picked it up, I'd never finish My Friend Leonard {Which I didn't like as much as A Million Little Pieces, but I will admit, I bawled like a baby at the end...very well written. I don't care if it isn't a completely true story} Last night at 8:30 {which is a 1/2 hour before my usual bed time} in an attempt to divert my thoughts from the deep depression I seemed to have been spiraling into, I picked it up. Needless to say, I couldn't put it down. It took all I had to stop at part 3 around 11 because I knew I'd been in big trouble come 5:30am. {Because I'm an old woman now and I need at least 7 1/2 hours of sleep} The last book came in the mail today. Huge moral dilemma because I know that I'll want to start it immediately BUT I bought it for him. But he's not here to read it...and I could be done with it before he gets home... So, we'll see. The problem is, I feel like I need to drag it out for as long as possible. I can predict Katniss withdrawals once I'm finished. I'm not sure I could handle that. Then I'd be this lonely girl obsessed with a fictional character. That, my friends, is NOT going to make me any new friends. That's for sure. 


And to finish up here is a story from my first few Boston adventures:


On Wednesday a good friend of mine was in town for the Celtic's game. So that meant, I got to be a big city girl and take the T to Fanneuil Hall. Of course, because some girls have all the luck, my train got re-routed and didn't go all the way to Gov't Center.  Not only did I NOT know how to get on another train because the station was swarming with people, I had no idea where I was. So, me and my 4 inch heels partnered up with my Google Map app and found my way. I felt quite proud.  I have some serious wandering to do around this city to get acquainted. On my way back to the Prudential Center, I tried to stick my card into a machine that wasn't working. Two officers standing guard said "ma'am, you'll want to use another machine, that one isn't working. Long day at work?" {Why, yes. Yes, it was a long day at work but for the most part, I'm just an idiot. I don't think I'm that cut out for the city, though I'll reevaluate that in a few months} Upon returning to the Prudential Center, I am painfully walking to the escalator {the heels aren't made for city walking} when I spot a petite black man {no racism meant here. He was approximately 3/4 of my height and probably 1/2 my size} wearing a huge cowboy hat, pants that were too big, shirt tucked in with a ginormous belt buckle and boots walking towards me.  When parallel to me, he turns and says, "hey". Not wanting to be impolite, I say, 'hi'. He holds out a manilla envelope he has in his hand and says "New Edition just signed this. They're staying in the hotel here you know" In my head I'm thinking {Who the F is New Edition?!} I smile and nod. He says, "You are the most beautiful, gorgeous, pretty little thing I've ever laid eyes on". I'm sure I blushed and sputtered 'thank you' all the while thinking, he probably doesn't get out much. To which he responds, "I'm from Alabama, you know. I'm Ricky Henderson's cousin" and then he keeps walking. Who in the F is Ricky Henderson?  


This half regular, half italic crap is really messing with my head. I blame it for the round of hives I just broke out in. Yes, I'm still getting hives. It's rather ridiculous really. I realize I probably should start keeping a journal. One thing is for sure though. Every.Single.Time. I have a beer, I break out in hives. I thought maybe a gluten intolerance? But I eat bread and pasta often enough... I just don't know. My body is medical nightmare it seems, though it could always be worse.


Next up...trip to Maine tomorrow.

{I know that there's no turning back. If we put too much light on this, we'll see through all the cracks}

It is entirely possible that I reached an all time life 'low' this afternoon... After perusing 'YELP' in search of social stuff in my area and having absolutely no luck, I decided I'd look on Craigslist under 'strictly' platonic. I'm not even sure I knew that existed until I saw it, but holy crap, if you ever need or want a laugh, just scroll through a few of those ads. I quickly decided that, I probably don't need to meet people through that avenue. Ey. Yi. Yi.

I did search apartments and found a young professional in Beverly. So, I emailed her. I totally wouldn't blame her if she didn't respond. I felt kinda weird e-mailing but I figured, I really have nothing to lose.

*sigh*

I honestly did not consider how difficult this part would be. I think I was blinded by my new "city" job and my "grown up" living situation. Since, I haven't had an insurance manual to fill my time, I've thought a lot about this, this week. I don't seem to fit into any of the common categories. I'm not married. I don't have children. I'm not in school. I'm not athletic. I'm not dating. I'm through with partying. Where does that leave me exactly? Aside from lonely, I'm not quite sure. I thought about joining a gym but thus far any around here are super expensive. I, also, thought back to my time in previous gyms. I never became friends with anyone outside of the gym. So, that probably wouldn't work. {Besides, I'm disgusting when I work out. That's not exactly a good way to approach someone, all sweaty and such.}  I love my apartment and the location but I wonder if I'd be doing myself a favor if I looked into moving closer to the city this fall? I do know people in the general Boston area...and there's a lot more going on{and as I write this, I can already picture the expression on a certain someone's face} 

This starts a whole downward spiral in my thought processes. It makes me miss being 'married.' No, I don't miss him. I miss the 'safety' of marriage. It didn't matter if you hung out with anyone else, because you always had someone to hang out with. It makes me wish I had a baby. Which also leads me to say that as much as I have always wanted to be a mother, I wish with all my heart that I never would have 'tried'. Had I never tried, I'd only feel the sting of getting older. I wouldn't feel the pain of longing. I wouldn't have to listen to people who already have children or don't want children tell me, 'well you know, people are having babies later on in life now...' Yes, I know you're trying to be nice. You're trying to be supportive. I appreciate that. But it kills me. It kills me just about every time I log into Facebook. It's replete with the most beautiful photos of everyone's children. And if it isn't someone's child, it is someone's sonogram picture. {Please know, I am so ridiculously happy for all of them. I am. But, I can't help but feel like I can no longer relate to their lives. I feel the stigma of divorce even more so. Yes, I'm having a pity party for one tonight. Just let me have it, k? Because the sane part of me knows that none of the above mentioned topics would be 'right', right now} It makes me bitter that I don't have parents to call. There's been a few moments in the last 6 weeks that would make any girl want to call her  mom. I think that's part of what makes all of this so difficult. My friends have always been my 'family'...

Someday. Hopefully real soon. I'll stop mourning the life I thought I'd have by now, and I'll start celebrating the life I do have.

So take a minute just to breathe
And think of everything you wanted
And what you got instead

{Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche}

I should be ecstatic. And I am. But all I seem to do is tear up every 2.5 seconds. I know the majority of the emotion is relief. I finally passed my exam. {It took 2 times out of the gate. I won't get started on how stupid I feel. I don't do failure. Well, I should probably say I never used to. Seems like lately, failure has reared more of itself than I've wanted to admit} Life can resume as normal now. I can excercise. I can clean. I can meet new people. I can cook dinner. I can do all those things I wasn't doing. All I was doing was working and studying. I was literally eating, sleeping, and breathing insurance. It has been a long long long six weeks {okay, I'm 2 days shy, but still...}The rest of the emotion is a combination of a lot of different things. I think I've been on the go so much, that I haven't honestly processed the magnitude of this life change. I changed everything.single.thing. I changed my name. I changed my state. I changed my job. I changed my car. I changed my routine. I changed my entire life. I am no longer anywhere near a comfort zone. Most everything on a day to day basis is a challenge; from navigation to my job duties to learning how to be alone. I have never been alone.  Let me tell you. Being alone is really hard. I know none of this is forever. I know that before too long, I'll look back and wonder why I thought things were so difficult. But in this moment...

My asphalt cowboy left again today. This time for at least 9 days. I feel like all I've done since getting here is say, "Drive safe. I'll miss you." He warned me from Day 1 it would be like this. And I know deep down that when I'm "settled" into a new routine with friends etc, it won't feel as bad{ I should probably pick a new word. It isn't 'bad' but it certainly isn't easy} as it does right now. {I know the majority of you reading this may think I'm crazy or a few other choice words I could think of, but I'm not writing for you, I'm writing for me...so I'm going to err on the side of 'I don't give a damn what you think...'} This man has changed my life. I don't know what the future will bring for him and I but I know that I am a better person because he took a risk with me. {And yes, I have already planned our future...I can't lie. The house is quaint. The dogs are running around in the back yard. I have a fence, though it may not be white or even picket. Our children are beautiful.}  I am not even sure he's aware of the little things he does that make me fall in love with him all over again. {The look in his green eyes, when I catch him staring at me. The way he kisses my shoulder when he wakes up in the middle of the night. The way he reaches for my hand when we're driving in the car. The way he holds me when we fall asleep. The way asks if there's anything he can do for me when I'm stressed out. The way he bites his nails when he knows there's nothing he can do to ease my stress. The way he listens to me. The way he remembers things. and I mean everything. The way he laughs. The fact that I can make him laugh. The fact I'm his first call in the morning and last call at night (at least I think I am, ha). The way he looks at me like I am the only girl who exists in the whole world. The way he was waiting for me when I got out of my exam, even though I told him I would only see him if I passed the exam, because I didn't want our last memory before he left to be me completely freaking out. The way he believes in me and in us. I know I could go on and on...} I am not even sure my heart is big enough for everything I feel for him. It literally feels like it will burst out of my chest when I look at him sometimes. I feel things that in almost 29 years, I have never felt before.  Sometimes, I wonder if it is the"this is so right" feeling, or if I've gone completely over the deep end? Sometimes, I feel so cliche, it almost nauseates me. Everytime that happens, I wonder how people settle for less than this. I wonder how I settled for less than this. Then there's fear. That is something new for me. I am so used of loving and losing that it is almost second nature. I don't mean just boyfriends or the husband I had. I mean in life. Parents. Friends. I am a pro at losing people. Until I met him. He's the first person I've felt like I can't lose. That.Scares.The.Hell.Outta.Me. I feel like I've gotten to where I am in life {yes, I know. I took several wrong turns along the way} because of my ability to not truly need anyone. I thought I learned how to survive "on my own".{ I know what you're thinking...of course you'd survive. Of course you'd be fine without him if it ever got to that point. While realistically, yes, I would eventually be okay...the point is, this is the first time I've felt like there is a part of me that wouldn't be okay. I'm afraid that, that's not healthy...}  If you can follow my scattered thoughts, it leads me to the point that as much as I love him, he's not the reason I'm in Massachussetts. I think with the exception of a handful of people, everyone assumed 'silly girl, gave up everything for a boy...' I didn't. Even though a part of me wanted to. He wouldn't let me. Which is just another reason he is amazing. He told me I couldn't do it for him and that I had to do it for myself. It was a tough line to take. But as I sit here tonight, looking around MY apartment, knowing I passed the exam that will undoubtedly open up doors in the future, thinking about the opportunities that will present themselves, I know I made the right decision. Sometimes the right decision is the most difficult decision you'll have to make in your life. {Another cliche moment, right}