Thursday, May 24, 2012

{Excuse me, too busy, oh writing your tragedy}

You know, it's almost ironic that I've been overplaying Jason Mraz's "I won't give up" for the past two weeks. Sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I smile. But mostly, I just keep repeating to myself that I won't give up. I mean of course I won't give up. I don't give up. I don't quit things. I don't throw in the towel when things get too difficult. Right? Wrong.

It occured to me tonight that my instant reaction to things is to quit. I'm not sure when this happened. I can't quite pin point it when I thought fighting for something no longer mattered. What I can say is that I'm disappointed in myself. There's nothing like the feeling of disappointment. I don't think I react like this to everything. Or at least, I don't think so. A close friend brought up the point that I didn't quit my new job when I failed my first exam. I didn't run back to Maine when I realized how difficult it was to be alone in a new place. I thought about how I didn't quit school when I was working three jobs AND going to school {By the way, why did I go to school again? *sigh* That's a blog post for a rainy day}  I didn't give up on relationships after my divorce. I didn't give up my respect for marriage. I didn't give up on the idea of family when mine ceased to exist. I didn't give up when she told me I wouldn't amount to anything, if anything I fought harder to be something.  I didn't give up the dream of being a mother when I couldn't get pregnant. I thought perserverence was a strength of mine. I thought I was a fighter. I thought wrong.

It seems to be in my personal relationships, that I give up too easily. Can you believe that? The one area, I should fight to keep in tact. AND MAYBE, just MAYBE, that's what people meant when they said I acted like everyone was disposable. Why didn't I reach out? Because it was too damn hard for me. Because I didn't want to broadcast I failed. Because I thought to myself, why should I have to contact all these people when they had only one person to contact.  But keeping to myself portrayed indifference. Outwardly, it appeared I just didn't give a damn. It ultimately lead to failed friendships. Friendships I still mourn even though I know it is too late. But, it's not too late for my relationship. I realize now that it is his point of view I hear when I listen to that song. He won't give up on me. He's had plenty of opportunities to. He didn't give up when I told him I was going through a divorce. He didn't give up when I exposed my past. The good, the bad, and most certainly the ugly. He didn't give up when we got in our first fight. I feel like I've programmed myself to just expect him to walk away, but he doesn't. He fights for me. He sees something in us, he thinks is worth it.  It never even dawned on me. Until tonight, when I was ready to give up. I remember telling myself last July that I was worth fighting for. It was so liberating to feel that way. To feel self worth. To know that somewhere, someday, I would find someone who would make me the one thing in their life they didn't want to lose.  So, why would I push away the one person who thinks I'm worth fighting for?

I don't have an answer to that question. I only know that it has to stop. The last thing I want is to lose someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone who, not only believes in me, but believes in us. Someone who sees a beauty in me, I didn't even know existed. Someone who doesn't walk away when things get tough. Someone who makes me want to be a better person.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

{{ I am just a bit undone, misplaced, and burned like fire}}

You know that feeling that stops you still, immediately? The one that cuts right through to the heart of you? The one that, before you know it, tears are streaming down your face, the pain has welled up in your throat so quickly that you struggle to swallow, you fight to breathe steady... you close your eyes, hoping that when you open them, the feeling will have passed, but you're mistaken? That skims the surface of what I'm feeling right now.

I heard from a former mutual friend tonight. While I respect what she had to say, it doesn't stop the pain. To be told that I made people feel disposable and that my actions spoke volumes to my character. It destroys me all over again.  And still, I can't tell you that I would have or could have handled the situation any differently. I withdrew. He reached out. I was silent. He talked. I can't change that. I didn't know how to reach out. I didn't know what to say. I can picture the conversation in my head now, "Hey friend. I just failed at being a wife... wanna have coffee?" When you spend a portion of your life feeling like you were never good enough, it over shadows just about every aspect of you life, including your friendships. I get the impression people think this was no big deal for me, that I just left {and let me just clarify, I was asked to pack my stuff. I didn't just walk to love the rumors I've heard. I left him high and dry. Uh Huh.} and never turned back. While, I know that this was inevitible, there's not one ounce of me that'll tell you that any of this was easy. I used to lie awake at night, thinking if I could just piece things back together, I wouldn't have to lose anything. I could just swallow my unhappiness because what I had to lose was so much more than I'd have to gain. But I knew, in order to be true to myself, that I had to admit that things were never going to work between him and I. I couldn't sweep my unhappiness under the rug to keep my perfect looking life.  Does anyone ever stop and consider what I lost? I lost everything I had ever wanted in my life. I lost a family. I lost role models. I lost certainty and stability. I lost my sense of direction. I lost my place in life. I lost a piece of myself. Not only did I lose a husband, but I lost nearly all of my friends. Yeah, that was easy. I think that took a helluva lot of courage. I know a lot of women who would have just stayed, would have said/done the right things to patch the holes, who wouldn't have had enough faith in themselves. I may not think a lot of myself, but a small part of me had to have had faith that I was doing what I needed to take care of me. People will say that I should just forget about it and move on but I can't seem to let it go. It's like a car crash on 93, I can't take my eyes off from, trying to figure out how it could have happened. I can't forget the moments I had with 'our' friends. I can't shake the pain I feel when I see pictures of people's babies, wedding plans, and the ways their lives are progressing. All things that I can no longer share with them. I know I'll never be able to attend weddings or parties. I know I have no one to blame but myself, but it doesn't ease the pain.

{{Grey ceiling on the earth, well it lasted for a while, take my thoughts for what they're worth, I've been acting like a child. Your opinion, what is that? It's just a different point of view. What else, what else can I do? I said I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry, but what for? If I hurt you, then I hate myself. I don't want to hate myself, don't wanna hurt you...}}

Saturday, May 5, 2012

{Reason, Season, or Lifetime}

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the people in my life.{Facebook stalking will really dredge those thoughts up} There are days I'm blown away by who keeps in touch, who reaches out, who sends the random 'thinking of you' message, and who picks up the phone.{There have been a few that have been surprising} There are days that I'm devastated by who doesn't. {Even though deep down, I knew it would be that way} On those days, I have to remind myself of the above poem. Maybe because it makes it easier to justify? Maybe because it hurts a little less? I suppose the reason I believe it in it isn't all that important. What matters is that I can recognize and apply it to the people in my life, past and present.  I realize how blessed I am for those 'lifetime' friends.