Tuesday, May 8, 2012

{{ I am just a bit undone, misplaced, and burned like fire}}

You know that feeling that stops you still, immediately? The one that cuts right through to the heart of you? The one that, before you know it, tears are streaming down your face, the pain has welled up in your throat so quickly that you struggle to swallow, you fight to breathe steady... you close your eyes, hoping that when you open them, the feeling will have passed, but you're mistaken? That skims the surface of what I'm feeling right now.

I heard from a former mutual friend tonight. While I respect what she had to say, it doesn't stop the pain. To be told that I made people feel disposable and that my actions spoke volumes to my character. It destroys me all over again.  And still, I can't tell you that I would have or could have handled the situation any differently. I withdrew. He reached out. I was silent. He talked. I can't change that. I didn't know how to reach out. I didn't know what to say. I can picture the conversation in my head now, "Hey friend. I just failed at being a wife... wanna have coffee?" When you spend a portion of your life feeling like you were never good enough, it over shadows just about every aspect of you life, including your friendships. I get the impression people think this was no big deal for me, that I just left {and let me just clarify, I was asked to pack my stuff. I didn't just walk out...got to love the rumors I've heard. I left him high and dry. Uh Huh.} and never turned back. While, I know that this was inevitible, there's not one ounce of me that'll tell you that any of this was easy. I used to lie awake at night, thinking if I could just piece things back together, I wouldn't have to lose anything. I could just swallow my unhappiness because what I had to lose was so much more than I'd have to gain. But I knew, in order to be true to myself, that I had to admit that things were never going to work between him and I. I couldn't sweep my unhappiness under the rug to keep my perfect looking life.  Does anyone ever stop and consider what I lost? I lost everything I had ever wanted in my life. I lost a family. I lost role models. I lost certainty and stability. I lost my sense of direction. I lost my place in life. I lost a piece of myself. Not only did I lose a husband, but I lost nearly all of my friends. Yeah, that was easy. I think that took a helluva lot of courage. I know a lot of women who would have just stayed, would have said/done the right things to patch the holes, who wouldn't have had enough faith in themselves. I may not think a lot of myself, but a small part of me had to have had faith that I was doing what I needed to take care of me. People will say that I should just forget about it and move on but I can't seem to let it go. It's like a car crash on 93, I can't take my eyes off from, trying to figure out how it could have happened. I can't forget the moments I had with 'our' friends. I can't shake the pain I feel when I see pictures of people's babies, wedding plans, and the ways their lives are progressing. All things that I can no longer share with them. I know I'll never be able to attend weddings or parties. I know I have no one to blame but myself, but it doesn't ease the pain.

{{Grey ceiling on the earth, well it lasted for a while, take my thoughts for what they're worth, I've been acting like a child. Your opinion, what is that? It's just a different point of view. What else, what else can I do? I said I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry, but what for? If I hurt you, then I hate myself. I don't want to hate myself, don't wanna hurt you...}}

No comments:

Post a Comment