Thursday, May 24, 2012

{Excuse me, too busy, oh writing your tragedy}

You know, it's almost ironic that I've been overplaying Jason Mraz's "I won't give up" for the past two weeks. Sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I smile. But mostly, I just keep repeating to myself that I won't give up. I mean of course I won't give up. I don't give up. I don't quit things. I don't throw in the towel when things get too difficult. Right? Wrong.

It occured to me tonight that my instant reaction to things is to quit. I'm not sure when this happened. I can't quite pin point it when I thought fighting for something no longer mattered. What I can say is that I'm disappointed in myself. There's nothing like the feeling of disappointment. I don't think I react like this to everything. Or at least, I don't think so. A close friend brought up the point that I didn't quit my new job when I failed my first exam. I didn't run back to Maine when I realized how difficult it was to be alone in a new place. I thought about how I didn't quit school when I was working three jobs AND going to school {By the way, why did I go to school again? *sigh* That's a blog post for a rainy day}  I didn't give up on relationships after my divorce. I didn't give up my respect for marriage. I didn't give up on the idea of family when mine ceased to exist. I didn't give up when she told me I wouldn't amount to anything, if anything I fought harder to be something.  I didn't give up the dream of being a mother when I couldn't get pregnant. I thought perserverence was a strength of mine. I thought I was a fighter. I thought wrong.

It seems to be in my personal relationships, that I give up too easily. Can you believe that? The one area, I should fight to keep in tact. AND MAYBE, just MAYBE, that's what people meant when they said I acted like everyone was disposable. Why didn't I reach out? Because it was too damn hard for me. Because I didn't want to broadcast I failed. Because I thought to myself, why should I have to contact all these people when they had only one person to contact.  But keeping to myself portrayed indifference. Outwardly, it appeared I just didn't give a damn. It ultimately lead to failed friendships. Friendships I still mourn even though I know it is too late. But, it's not too late for my relationship. I realize now that it is his point of view I hear when I listen to that song. He won't give up on me. He's had plenty of opportunities to. He didn't give up when I told him I was going through a divorce. He didn't give up when I exposed my past. The good, the bad, and most certainly the ugly. He didn't give up when we got in our first fight. I feel like I've programmed myself to just expect him to walk away, but he doesn't. He fights for me. He sees something in us, he thinks is worth it.  It never even dawned on me. Until tonight, when I was ready to give up. I remember telling myself last July that I was worth fighting for. It was so liberating to feel that way. To feel self worth. To know that somewhere, someday, I would find someone who would make me the one thing in their life they didn't want to lose.  So, why would I push away the one person who thinks I'm worth fighting for?

I don't have an answer to that question. I only know that it has to stop. The last thing I want is to lose someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone who, not only believes in me, but believes in us. Someone who sees a beauty in me, I didn't even know existed. Someone who doesn't walk away when things get tough. Someone who makes me want to be a better person.

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