Friday, June 29, 2012

{{Sure ain't no river baby, it's just my so called life}}

I have been MIA. For a while. It occurs to me, I only write when I'm miserable. That's not really how I wanted this blog to go. Years ago, my best writing came from pain.  A conundrum I find myself in. Do I continue this on? Do I only write when sad? But if I do that, people will think I'm all sorts of messed up. 50 shades of f@#&ed up, if you will. Speaking of that. I just finished Book 2. I know, I know, I know. There's a TON of controversy over these books. I gotta say.... Book 1. A little intense. By by the end, I needed to know more about the characters. By the end of Book 2, it wasn't about the sex anymore. I wasn't as affected by the scenes as I was in Book 1. Book 1 had me going...'do people really do this?!' I think it's the psych  major in me. I just wanted to know what his deal is. And for the most part, now I know, and it makes sense in some weird way. The thing I really connected to was her feelings for him. Uncaged, Unleashed, Uninhibited, Limitless. I can connect to that. Never in my life have I felt that way towards anyone I have been with. There's something very vulnerable about it. Yes, I am aware they are fictional characters, but I can't be the only one who has connected with a book character before, right? I mean, she even says "crazy with K". I thought I was the ONLY person that said that, ha.

So...what have I been doing over the last month or so? I've been being social. *GASP* I know. I know. I thought it'd never happen, but yes, I've been keeping busy. I went to my first truck show. We've been on a few double dates.  I've seen some different parts of the city, had some great food, and even better drinks. I'm finally feeling a little more at ease here, which is a pretty good feeling. Summer seeems to be flying by, as I thought it would. (See, I'm not as crazy as I appear, I said it would go by fast) I cannot believe it is almost July, already. I was also starting to get into my 10K running routine. I counted the weeks out and I would finish my program the first week of September, which I thought would be perfect for a 10K, after all I love fall running. Then, I had to get sick. AGAIN. This happened to me last time. I worked out 4-5 days consecutively then BAM. Immune system is giving me a huge middle finger and knocking me back on my rump again. I'm SO.NOT.IMPRESSED. Especially, since I've actually had good weather to run. I'm so desperate to get back to a normal running routine. It's killing me to do these intervals of only running a few minutes at a time. But I know, I have to follow it if I want to build my endurance back up. How is it even possible that last year at this time I was running the best I've ever run.? Oh how I miss track... It is amazing how much progress you can lose. Though, that is what I get for not making it a priority over the last year. But, enough is enough. I'm happy when I run. I'm happy when my clothes fit. I'm happy when I don't feel like a whale at the beach. {Don't. Don't start with your eye rolling here. You have to understand that I've seen my potential. I let that get out of hand} So, I'm determined to get back to it, even if that means getting up at 4:45am. I don't enjoy it, but it is really the only guarantee that it'll get done. My afternoons are so unpredictible, no thanks to traffic. I have to say that I've never been a good morning runner (though, that's funny because my best running has been at races in the morning, but that's neither here nor there) so this interval training thing has been good for me in the mornings.  That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I miss my Maine friends like crazy. I thank goodness for Facebook so I can keep up with how much their children have grown and what's going on in their lives. Life, sure has a way of bringing you close and taking you away. I am still learning how to manage that balance. I won't lie and say that I've gotten real good at it. I haven't. But, I'm trying in the ways I know how.

And I should mention that I'm very much looking forward to vacation in July. I know I just started my job, but I really do just need a week to breathe. Everything in the city is always go go go and go some more. I am not adjusted to that yet. I look forward to spending time with a few of my amazing friends, breathing in some good old fashioned Maine air, and dipping my toes and/or whole body into the ocean and just being carefree for a week. 28 days and couting.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

{Excuse me, too busy, oh writing your tragedy}

You know, it's almost ironic that I've been overplaying Jason Mraz's "I won't give up" for the past two weeks. Sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I smile. But mostly, I just keep repeating to myself that I won't give up. I mean of course I won't give up. I don't give up. I don't quit things. I don't throw in the towel when things get too difficult. Right? Wrong.

It occured to me tonight that my instant reaction to things is to quit. I'm not sure when this happened. I can't quite pin point it when I thought fighting for something no longer mattered. What I can say is that I'm disappointed in myself. There's nothing like the feeling of disappointment. I don't think I react like this to everything. Or at least, I don't think so. A close friend brought up the point that I didn't quit my new job when I failed my first exam. I didn't run back to Maine when I realized how difficult it was to be alone in a new place. I thought about how I didn't quit school when I was working three jobs AND going to school {By the way, why did I go to school again? *sigh* That's a blog post for a rainy day}  I didn't give up on relationships after my divorce. I didn't give up my respect for marriage. I didn't give up on the idea of family when mine ceased to exist. I didn't give up when she told me I wouldn't amount to anything, if anything I fought harder to be something.  I didn't give up the dream of being a mother when I couldn't get pregnant. I thought perserverence was a strength of mine. I thought I was a fighter. I thought wrong.

It seems to be in my personal relationships, that I give up too easily. Can you believe that? The one area, I should fight to keep in tact. AND MAYBE, just MAYBE, that's what people meant when they said I acted like everyone was disposable. Why didn't I reach out? Because it was too damn hard for me. Because I didn't want to broadcast I failed. Because I thought to myself, why should I have to contact all these people when they had only one person to contact.  But keeping to myself portrayed indifference. Outwardly, it appeared I just didn't give a damn. It ultimately lead to failed friendships. Friendships I still mourn even though I know it is too late. But, it's not too late for my relationship. I realize now that it is his point of view I hear when I listen to that song. He won't give up on me. He's had plenty of opportunities to. He didn't give up when I told him I was going through a divorce. He didn't give up when I exposed my past. The good, the bad, and most certainly the ugly. He didn't give up when we got in our first fight. I feel like I've programmed myself to just expect him to walk away, but he doesn't. He fights for me. He sees something in us, he thinks is worth it.  It never even dawned on me. Until tonight, when I was ready to give up. I remember telling myself last July that I was worth fighting for. It was so liberating to feel that way. To feel self worth. To know that somewhere, someday, I would find someone who would make me the one thing in their life they didn't want to lose.  So, why would I push away the one person who thinks I'm worth fighting for?

I don't have an answer to that question. I only know that it has to stop. The last thing I want is to lose someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone who, not only believes in me, but believes in us. Someone who sees a beauty in me, I didn't even know existed. Someone who doesn't walk away when things get tough. Someone who makes me want to be a better person.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

{{ I am just a bit undone, misplaced, and burned like fire}}

You know that feeling that stops you still, immediately? The one that cuts right through to the heart of you? The one that, before you know it, tears are streaming down your face, the pain has welled up in your throat so quickly that you struggle to swallow, you fight to breathe steady... you close your eyes, hoping that when you open them, the feeling will have passed, but you're mistaken? That skims the surface of what I'm feeling right now.

I heard from a former mutual friend tonight. While I respect what she had to say, it doesn't stop the pain. To be told that I made people feel disposable and that my actions spoke volumes to my character. It destroys me all over again.  And still, I can't tell you that I would have or could have handled the situation any differently. I withdrew. He reached out. I was silent. He talked. I can't change that. I didn't know how to reach out. I didn't know what to say. I can picture the conversation in my head now, "Hey friend. I just failed at being a wife... wanna have coffee?" When you spend a portion of your life feeling like you were never good enough, it over shadows just about every aspect of you life, including your friendships. I get the impression people think this was no big deal for me, that I just left {and let me just clarify, I was asked to pack my stuff. I didn't just walk to love the rumors I've heard. I left him high and dry. Uh Huh.} and never turned back. While, I know that this was inevitible, there's not one ounce of me that'll tell you that any of this was easy. I used to lie awake at night, thinking if I could just piece things back together, I wouldn't have to lose anything. I could just swallow my unhappiness because what I had to lose was so much more than I'd have to gain. But I knew, in order to be true to myself, that I had to admit that things were never going to work between him and I. I couldn't sweep my unhappiness under the rug to keep my perfect looking life.  Does anyone ever stop and consider what I lost? I lost everything I had ever wanted in my life. I lost a family. I lost role models. I lost certainty and stability. I lost my sense of direction. I lost my place in life. I lost a piece of myself. Not only did I lose a husband, but I lost nearly all of my friends. Yeah, that was easy. I think that took a helluva lot of courage. I know a lot of women who would have just stayed, would have said/done the right things to patch the holes, who wouldn't have had enough faith in themselves. I may not think a lot of myself, but a small part of me had to have had faith that I was doing what I needed to take care of me. People will say that I should just forget about it and move on but I can't seem to let it go. It's like a car crash on 93, I can't take my eyes off from, trying to figure out how it could have happened. I can't forget the moments I had with 'our' friends. I can't shake the pain I feel when I see pictures of people's babies, wedding plans, and the ways their lives are progressing. All things that I can no longer share with them. I know I'll never be able to attend weddings or parties. I know I have no one to blame but myself, but it doesn't ease the pain.

{{Grey ceiling on the earth, well it lasted for a while, take my thoughts for what they're worth, I've been acting like a child. Your opinion, what is that? It's just a different point of view. What else, what else can I do? I said I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry, but what for? If I hurt you, then I hate myself. I don't want to hate myself, don't wanna hurt you...}}

Saturday, May 5, 2012

{Reason, Season, or Lifetime}

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the people in my life.{Facebook stalking will really dredge those thoughts up} There are days I'm blown away by who keeps in touch, who reaches out, who sends the random 'thinking of you' message, and who picks up the phone.{There have been a few that have been surprising} There are days that I'm devastated by who doesn't. {Even though deep down, I knew it would be that way} On those days, I have to remind myself of the above poem. Maybe because it makes it easier to justify? Maybe because it hurts a little less? I suppose the reason I believe it in it isn't all that important. What matters is that I can recognize and apply it to the people in my life, past and present.  I realize how blessed I am for those 'lifetime' friends.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

{I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful beautiful life}

I had a good week. There. I said it. Outloud. Man, does it feel good to say! I started the week by being able to cuddle with the boy {which has become a luxury these days}. He even drove me to work and picked me up Tuesday. Spoiled much? {Though I still think it had more to do with the errands he had to run but I'll take his explanation that he wanted to spend as much time with me as possible} Wednesday, the office went out to lunch to treat a co-worker and I for Administrative Professionals Day. I, of course, had NO idea that, that even applied to me. I was very caught off guard. Another amazing lunch I have been spoiled with since starting this job. Wednesday night, I had a shopping/dinner date that I thought went really well. Conversation flowed naturally {which is something I think I'm really bad at...keeping conversation going} It was so nice to laugh and talk about boys. {It really is the little things I miss about having girlfriends} Oh, and the shopping and cheesecake were really good too. She just so happens to be moving closer to me, so I'm hoping there are a lot more dates in store.  Friday, as I drove to work, I realized it was the 27th. Six months. You can only imagine that got my mind reeling about how one of the worst things in my life turned out to be one of the best. I reflected on how different my life was now compared to what it had been. I got to re-visit those thoughts Friday night when I agreed to have a drink with my female sales rep. I'll preface her by saying...have you ever noticed someone and known that you have a lot in common with them but you're not quite sure how to approach them? That's how this was. Little by little, I'd pick up on pieces of her conversation and take note of her actions. So, when she casually threw out "You wanna grab a drink before you leave the city", I took the opportunity. The conversation that ensued was so refreshing. It almost instantly transformed my attitude about life. The similarities in our situations were incredible. I knew almost instantly that I adored her. I can only hope our friendship will continue to grow. Saturday, I woke up inspired. I got right to my chores {which I'm going to be honest, I have been pretty lackadaisical about for the most part} and FINALLY dragged my ass outside for Week 1 Day 1 run. It was nothing to brag about. 1 minute running 1 minute and 1/2 walking for 1/2 hour-ish but it was something. We all know that starting again is the worst part. I just have to power through the first 2 weeks of soreness and I should be good to go. It takes 14 days to build a habit, right? Saturday night, I made the trek to visit my cousin and her boyfriend {Gasp! Yes, I said cousin. As in, actually blood related} They had the idea of heading to Providence for the evening. I didn't realize how close it was to MA. {Insert really really really horrible navigation skills, here} I had an amazing italian dinner followed by crepes that were to die for. Driving back I started reflecting, in the previous 9 months I've experienced CA, NJ, NY, TX and RI. I've touched down in Atlanta and Phoenix. I think that's a pretty good track record for a little girl who had never left Maine. Within the year, I hope to add NC to that list. Never mind hope. I WILL.

Friday, April 20, 2012

{Somewhere In This City, Is A Road I Know}

Pity party is over. I swear. {I even read an article called ' Feel as happy as a pig in Mud' as I wrote tonight}

I woke up this morning and thought to myself Enough IS Enough. I have a million and one reasons to be happy. So, I started my morning by downloading a couch to 10K program. Because let's face it. I haven't really run since last July. Do the math on that=not good. I went for a run 3 or so weeks ago and couldn't even make it a mile without feeling like I might collapse. Running has always been hard for me. I hate that {Remember those beautiful children I've already planned for? Well, I'm also planning that they'll get their Daddy's genes} But, running makes me happy and it keeps me fitting comfortably in my clothes. {Let's just say that after....almost 9 months of not working out, the clothes aren't fitting so well.} I'm not gonna lie. I feel foolish doing a couch to 10K program. I mean, I used to run 7 miles for fun. I figured it'd be a sure fire way to build my endurance back up and not overdo it. So, I'll start Day 1 tomorrow. I figure by this fall, I'll be back to my old running ways.  I also organized some strength exercises from this month's Self magazine to incorporate. I have far too much spare time now to NOT be exercising. In addition to the happy hormones and the fact it is almost summer, I also have another reason to get in ridiculously good shape.... I'm participating in a boudoir photo session in July. Eeeek! I've always wanted to do one but I never had a guy in my life that would appreciate an actual photo. {Insert boyfriend who loves photos here} My beautiful and talented friend is trying to expand on her experience and invited me to attend. You should go check her out {

Switching gears now... I have finally hopped on board the Hunger Games obsession train. Yeah, I know. I'm late. I'm always one or seven steps behind. But seriously. I picked it up in a bookstore a few months ago and read the excerpt on the front cover and thought "eh...I don't wanna read about children dying..."  {Why this is writing in italic, I have no.freaking.idea. I can't seem to remove it. I've tried clicking the button. I've tried ctrl i. I've tried changing the font. Argh. It's driving me cra-aaa-zy} Then,the buzz of the movie started and everyone I knew was talking about it. I was on the outside. I had NO freakin clue what everyone was so excited about. So, I read the first book in about 4 hours while I was in Texas. {In fact, that was the highlight of my Houston trip} I didn't want it to end. I didn't have the second book with me so I started another one I did have hoping that I'd finish before I got home. No such luck. So. For a week, I've stared at book two, knowing that if I picked it up, I'd never finish My Friend Leonard {Which I didn't like as much as A Million Little Pieces, but I will admit, I bawled like a baby at the end...very well written. I don't care if it isn't a completely true story} Last night at 8:30 {which is a 1/2 hour before my usual bed time} in an attempt to divert my thoughts from the deep depression I seemed to have been spiraling into, I picked it up. Needless to say, I couldn't put it down. It took all I had to stop at part 3 around 11 because I knew I'd been in big trouble come 5:30am. {Because I'm an old woman now and I need at least 7 1/2 hours of sleep} The last book came in the mail today. Huge moral dilemma because I know that I'll want to start it immediately BUT I bought it for him. But he's not here to read it...and I could be done with it before he gets home... So, we'll see. The problem is, I feel like I need to drag it out for as long as possible. I can predict Katniss withdrawals once I'm finished. I'm not sure I could handle that. Then I'd be this lonely girl obsessed with a fictional character. That, my friends, is NOT going to make me any new friends. That's for sure. 

And to finish up here is a story from my first few Boston adventures:

On Wednesday a good friend of mine was in town for the Celtic's game. So that meant, I got to be a big city girl and take the T to Fanneuil Hall. Of course, because some girls have all the luck, my train got re-routed and didn't go all the way to Gov't Center.  Not only did I NOT know how to get on another train because the station was swarming with people, I had no idea where I was. So, me and my 4 inch heels partnered up with my Google Map app and found my way. I felt quite proud.  I have some serious wandering to do around this city to get acquainted. On my way back to the Prudential Center, I tried to stick my card into a machine that wasn't working. Two officers standing guard said "ma'am, you'll want to use another machine, that one isn't working. Long day at work?" {Why, yes. Yes, it was a long day at work but for the most part, I'm just an idiot. I don't think I'm that cut out for the city, though I'll reevaluate that in a few months} Upon returning to the Prudential Center, I am painfully walking to the escalator {the heels aren't made for city walking} when I spot a petite black man {no racism meant here. He was approximately 3/4 of my height and probably 1/2 my size} wearing a huge cowboy hat, pants that were too big, shirt tucked in with a ginormous belt buckle and boots walking towards me.  When parallel to me, he turns and says, "hey". Not wanting to be impolite, I say, 'hi'. He holds out a manilla envelope he has in his hand and says "New Edition just signed this. They're staying in the hotel here you know" In my head I'm thinking {Who the F is New Edition?!} I smile and nod. He says, "You are the most beautiful, gorgeous, pretty little thing I've ever laid eyes on". I'm sure I blushed and sputtered 'thank you' all the while thinking, he probably doesn't get out much. To which he responds, "I'm from Alabama, you know. I'm Ricky Henderson's cousin" and then he keeps walking. Who in the F is Ricky Henderson?  

This half regular, half italic crap is really messing with my head. I blame it for the round of hives I just broke out in. Yes, I'm still getting hives. It's rather ridiculous really. I realize I probably should start keeping a journal. One thing is for sure though. Every.Single.Time. I have a beer, I break out in hives. I thought maybe a gluten intolerance? But I eat bread and pasta often enough... I just don't know. My body is medical nightmare it seems, though it could always be worse.

Next up...trip to Maine tomorrow.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

{I know that there's no turning back. If we put too much light on this, we'll see through all the cracks}

It is entirely possible that I reached an all time life 'low' this afternoon... After perusing 'YELP' in search of social stuff in my area and having absolutely no luck, I decided I'd look on Craigslist under 'strictly' platonic. I'm not even sure I knew that existed until I saw it, but holy crap, if you ever need or want a laugh, just scroll through a few of those ads. I quickly decided that, I probably don't need to meet people through that avenue. Ey. Yi. Yi.

I did search apartments and found a young professional in Beverly. So, I emailed her. I totally wouldn't blame her if she didn't respond. I felt kinda weird e-mailing but I figured, I really have nothing to lose.


I honestly did not consider how difficult this part would be. I think I was blinded by my new "city" job and my "grown up" living situation. Since, I haven't had an insurance manual to fill my time, I've thought a lot about this, this week. I don't seem to fit into any of the common categories. I'm not married. I don't have children. I'm not in school. I'm not athletic. I'm not dating. I'm through with partying. Where does that leave me exactly? Aside from lonely, I'm not quite sure. I thought about joining a gym but thus far any around here are super expensive. I, also, thought back to my time in previous gyms. I never became friends with anyone outside of the gym. So, that probably wouldn't work. {Besides, I'm disgusting when I work out. That's not exactly a good way to approach someone, all sweaty and such.}  I love my apartment and the location but I wonder if I'd be doing myself a favor if I looked into moving closer to the city this fall? I do know people in the general Boston area...and there's a lot more going on{and as I write this, I can already picture the expression on a certain someone's face} 

This starts a whole downward spiral in my thought processes. It makes me miss being 'married.' No, I don't miss him. I miss the 'safety' of marriage. It didn't matter if you hung out with anyone else, because you always had someone to hang out with. It makes me wish I had a baby. Which also leads me to say that as much as I have always wanted to be a mother, I wish with all my heart that I never would have 'tried'. Had I never tried, I'd only feel the sting of getting older. I wouldn't feel the pain of longing. I wouldn't have to listen to people who already have children or don't want children tell me, 'well you know, people are having babies later on in life now...' Yes, I know you're trying to be nice. You're trying to be supportive. I appreciate that. But it kills me. It kills me just about every time I log into Facebook. It's replete with the most beautiful photos of everyone's children. And if it isn't someone's child, it is someone's sonogram picture. {Please know, I am so ridiculously happy for all of them. I am. But, I can't help but feel like I can no longer relate to their lives. I feel the stigma of divorce even more so. Yes, I'm having a pity party for one tonight. Just let me have it, k? Because the sane part of me knows that none of the above mentioned topics would be 'right', right now} It makes me bitter that I don't have parents to call. There's been a few moments in the last 6 weeks that would make any girl want to call her  mom. I think that's part of what makes all of this so difficult. My friends have always been my 'family'...

Someday. Hopefully real soon. I'll stop mourning the life I thought I'd have by now, and I'll start celebrating the life I do have.

So take a minute just to breathe
And think of everything you wanted
And what you got instead

Saturday, April 14, 2012

{Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche}

I should be ecstatic. And I am. But all I seem to do is tear up every 2.5 seconds. I know the majority of the emotion is relief. I finally passed my exam. {It took 2 times out of the gate. I won't get started on how stupid I feel. I don't do failure. Well, I should probably say I never used to. Seems like lately, failure has reared more of itself than I've wanted to admit} Life can resume as normal now. I can excercise. I can clean. I can meet new people. I can cook dinner. I can do all those things I wasn't doing. All I was doing was working and studying. I was literally eating, sleeping, and breathing insurance. It has been a long long long six weeks {okay, I'm 2 days shy, but still...}The rest of the emotion is a combination of a lot of different things. I think I've been on the go so much, that I haven't honestly processed the magnitude of this life change. I changed everything.single.thing. I changed my name. I changed my state. I changed my job. I changed my car. I changed my routine. I changed my entire life. I am no longer anywhere near a comfort zone. Most everything on a day to day basis is a challenge; from navigation to my job duties to learning how to be alone. I have never been alone.  Let me tell you. Being alone is really hard. I know none of this is forever. I know that before too long, I'll look back and wonder why I thought things were so difficult. But in this moment...

My asphalt cowboy left again today. This time for at least 9 days. I feel like all I've done since getting here is say, "Drive safe. I'll miss you." He warned me from Day 1 it would be like this. And I know deep down that when I'm "settled" into a new routine with friends etc, it won't feel as bad{ I should probably pick a new word. It isn't 'bad' but it certainly isn't easy} as it does right now. {I know the majority of you reading this may think I'm crazy or a few other choice words I could think of, but I'm not writing for you, I'm writing for I'm going to err on the side of 'I don't give a damn what you think...'} This man has changed my life. I don't know what the future will bring for him and I but I know that I am a better person because he took a risk with me. {And yes, I have already planned our future...I can't lie. The house is quaint. The dogs are running around in the back yard. I have a fence, though it may not be white or even picket. Our children are beautiful.}  I am not even sure he's aware of the little things he does that make me fall in love with him all over again. {The look in his green eyes, when I catch him staring at me. The way he kisses my shoulder when he wakes up in the middle of the night. The way he reaches for my hand when we're driving in the car. The way he holds me when we fall asleep. The way asks if there's anything he can do for me when I'm stressed out. The way he bites his nails when he knows there's nothing he can do to ease my stress. The way he listens to me. The way he remembers things. and I mean everything. The way he laughs. The fact that I can make him laugh. The fact I'm his first call in the morning and last call at night (at least I think I am, ha). The way he looks at me like I am the only girl who exists in the whole world. The way he was waiting for me when I got out of my exam, even though I told him I would only see him if I passed the exam, because I didn't want our last memory before he left to be me completely freaking out. The way he believes in me and in us. I know I could go on and on...} I am not even sure my heart is big enough for everything I feel for him. It literally feels like it will burst out of my chest when I look at him sometimes. I feel things that in almost 29 years, I have never felt before.  Sometimes, I wonder if it is the"this is so right" feeling, or if I've gone completely over the deep end? Sometimes, I feel so cliche, it almost nauseates me. Everytime that happens, I wonder how people settle for less than this. I wonder how I settled for less than this. Then there's fear. That is something new for me. I am so used of loving and losing that it is almost second nature. I don't mean just boyfriends or the husband I had. I mean in life. Parents. Friends. I am a pro at losing people. Until I met him. He's the first person I've felt like I can't lose. That.Scares.The.Hell.Outta.Me. I feel like I've gotten to where I am in life {yes, I know. I took several wrong turns along the way} because of my ability to not truly need anyone. I thought I learned how to survive "on my own".{ I know what you're thinking...of course you'd survive. Of course you'd be fine without him if it ever got to that point. While realistically, yes, I would eventually be okay...the point is, this is the first time I've felt like there is a part of me that wouldn't be okay. I'm afraid that, that's not healthy...}  If you can follow my scattered thoughts, it leads me to the point that as much as I love him, he's not the reason I'm in Massachussetts. I think with the exception of a handful of people, everyone assumed 'silly girl, gave up everything for a boy...' I didn't. Even though a part of me wanted to. He wouldn't let me. Which is just another reason he is amazing. He told me I couldn't do it for him and that I had to do it for myself. It was a tough line to take. But as I sit here tonight, looking around MY apartment, knowing I passed the exam that will undoubtedly open up doors in the future, thinking about the opportunities that will present themselves, I know I made the right decision. Sometimes the right decision is the most difficult decision you'll have to make in your life. {Another cliche moment, right}

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The end of one chapter and the beginning of the next...

This blog post is brought to you by: An impromptu day off due to a blown transformer that knocked the power out for the  majority of Back Bay....

Phew! I have a lot to catch up on. Let's see...

First, my last 3 days at Unum. I couldn't have had better co-workers and friends. Seriously. I was spoiled rotten. That Monday, my friends threw me a happy hour. I was pleasantly surprised to see some faces I hadn't seen in a while. It's always funny to bring people from different areas of your life together...but things seemed to go quite smoothly. {{Insert fact: the boy came up for the week to partake in festivities. Bonus!}} That Tuesday, my department threw me a happy hour @ Jimmy the Greeks. I was overwhelmed by the attendance. The majority of my team showed up, even those who work from home. I was astonished, really. All I could think of was the first few months I started in that position and wondering how I would ever fit in... I sure had come a long way... Wednesday, my area arranged a brunch for me. Ridiculous amounts of deliciousness. I had cards and gifts on my desk. I was completely overwhelmed with emotion. This was really happening. My Unum career was really coming to an end. My boss was wonderful enough to give me a 1/2 day {{Thankfully because I had no idea how much packing I still had before I could leave for MA}} and I made my way down the aisles to say goodbye. I'd like to say some were easier than others, but they weren't...It was far more difficult than I thought it would be. I cried on the way out of the parking lot. Thank you Unum for almost 5 1/2 wonderful years. I have so many wonderful memories to take with me. Most importantly, I gained some incredible friendships.

I'll skip the details about moving. It was a long couple of hours of packing the car and truck, cleaning, and figuring out what in the heck I was going to do with my mattress and boxspring. Luckily for me, the boy was incredible through it all. He made things so much easier on me.

Thursday, I hit up the RMV. Yes, RMV. No more DMV. Gawd damn you MA. Not only did you take $100, but you took my pretty Maine license. {{If you know me, you know I pretty much despise every single picture ever taken of me. I loved my license picture. loved.}} Then, I commenced to freak out that I was traveling and didn't have a picture id other than my passport {{Who know your passport is as good as gold anywhere?!}} We then packed up our stuff and headed North in the Scoob-a-ru {{C's affectionate name). In the worst snow storm to date. Now, I was in the hands of the best driver, I've ever single handedly experienced, but I was a nervous wreck. I may or may not have had wine in a coffee mug. {{Okay, I totally did...}} The concert was fantastic. I would see Brantley & Eric again, in a heart beat. I have also found, it really helps the fun factor to be surrounded by fun people who enjoy country music.

Friday morning, we headed South toward New Jersey. The road trip itself was fairly uneventful in a good way. I did see my first ever truck stop. {{Well, other than Dysarts...I suppose}} I found that the state of CT is quite boring. Most importantly, we found out that we could spend nearly 8 hours in a car together, carry on a conversation, laugh, kiss, sing and take pictures and in the end, we still weren't sick of each other. I thought that was pretty awesome. We made our way on the Jersey Turnpike {{which isn't much to brag about ha}} and I started thinking I might have made a major mistake with our hotel location. The part of the city we were traveling through was straight up ghetto. We were a bit aprehensive. We found our way to the nice part of Jersey City and were very much relieved. Let me tell you how 'out of place' I felt when I walked into the Westin lobby.... What a gorgeous, gorgeous hotel. After valet parking, we made our way to the 23rd floor {{yes, that was top floor}}. The room/view was absolutely amazing. We had plans to meet his cousin and her husband later, so we relaxed for a bit before we set out to take on NYC.

Our view of the city

We ventured to the train station to make our way to NYC. We not only had NO idea what we were doing, we didn't know where we were going either... Needless to say, we laughed quite a bit. We finally figured out the metrocard and he agreed to let me ask someone where we should be going and we found ourselves smack dab in the middle of rainy NYC. Enter bicycle taxi...It was the first thing he saw and he wanted me to have a unique NY experience, ha. A bicycle taxi...for those of you who have never been in much like an enclosed baby stroller. We were zipped in and there was a blanket just chillin on the bench. Because of the rain, all we could really see were flashes of light. We could have been taken out at pretty much any point. I was amazed that this guy was pulling 300+lbs in the pouring rain.

Hollywood was on the phone...of course ;)
We met up with his cousin and her friend at Joshua Tree. I was pretty much in awe the whole time. I couldn't believe I was actually standing in a bar in NYC. This isn't my life, is it?! From there, we went to 230 FIFTH. Now, let me tell you. I felt like a straight up VIP in this place. It was a ridiculously cool experience. They have a rooftop bar that you wear snuggies on that looks directly at the Empire State Building. It was windy and rainy, so we didn't stay up there too long but man, it was surprising how many people were  actually up there.

 I can't seem to get rid of the crazy eyes but love the background

We ventured inside for the rest of the night and had an absolute blast. We made a dance floor where there wasn't one. We drank and danced like rock stars. {{Sidenote: It is amazing how different people are in NYC than in Portland ME.... we tried like hell to get people to dance with us and people REFUSED. Seriously. I was shocked. But, I did dance with a marine...who had nothing on my cowboy}} From there, we got pizza. Now, I've heard a thing or two about pizza in NYC. Oh.Em.Gee. Seriously the best pizza I might have EVER had.  Lauren said it was because I was drunk, but I don't think that was it....ha. At sometime around 3 we made it back to our hotel....

We spent the following day with his cousin and her husband. They were such gracious and wonderful hosts. I definitely enjoyed our time together. The Nuclear Cowboyz performance was quite impressive. It was my first experience seeing a show like that.

I tried to add the video I took, but it wouldn't let me. Humph!
 My favorite part? Watching him... It is pretty fulfilling watching someone you love, watch something they love.

We headed home the next day. I needed a 'first day of work' outfit {{yes, much like the first day of school...}} so we stopped at the Burlington Mall. Holy Eff. Sensory overload. Despite being in jammies{{yes, I freaked out about this the majority of the time. I really don't like going out in public like that...}}, I had a really great time walking around, looking at the different stores. I even bought my first business suit. {{The boy makes an excellent shopping companion. He even picked out shoes for me}}

Needless to say, I left myself NO time to prepare for Day 1....

More on the apartment and job at a later date...

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Dear Board, please approve PBI because....

I am now the proud owner of:
{When I asked him what we would do with 2 Keurigs? He said we could put one in the garage}

Now, I can make Momma Foster's pulled pork---AND---it's PROGRAMMABLE! Yesss!
I can boil water now, if necessary

Knives! Yay!
I also purchased {In no particular order...}: 2 wine glasses, a set of glasses, 2 coffee mugs, black dish towels, a new set of sheets, a cutting board, a can opener and cleaning supplies.

Next weekend when I'm not so awstruck about having my own place, I'm going to take further inventory of what else I need. IE: What color the bathroom walls actually  are, because I need towels and bathroom accessories.

THEN. It's new clothes time. Yah. This girl needs to start her 'city' wardrobe.

I am getting more and more excited as each day passes. Every so often it occurs to me that I'm going to be 3.7 miles away from him. Not 95 miles {The distance is up for debate. My GPS says 76. He says 80 and change} Less than 10 minutes. Not less than 2 hours. How ridiculously awesome, is that going to be?! Today, I was driving aimlessly{I thought I knew where I was going, but it turns out, I didn't so I ended up in the middle of a sunday drive} and I saw a handful of couples taking advantage of the beautiful weather by strolling hand and hand down the road. I thought to myself 'ohmygoodness! I'm going to be able to do that soon!'. It doesn't seem like it was 5 whole months ago that I wondered how well I'd handle a long distance relationship. Can't wait to see what month 6 holds for us. It can only get better <3

Which leads me to proclaim how excited I am for March. Yes, I said excited. {Mmmhmm, the girl who hates March} On the calendar for March 1st-March 5th:  Moving into my OWN place, Eric Church & Brantley Gilbert with some fantastic people, a road trip to New Jersey, a night in NYC, my first motocross experience, {Yes, I learned it is motocross and not motorcross} and last but not least, starting my new job. That is a lot of fun to squeeze into 1 week. Watch for photos, coming to a FB page near you...

Tomorrow signals the beginning of the end of my Unum career.

Monday, February 13, 2012

She said 'I think I'll go to Boston...' Part 4

I find it amazing that the easiest part of this journey has been getting the job offer. Shouldn't that have been the hard part?{ I can't tell you the number of people who have told me I am lucky to get a job in this economy. I hadn't really considered that. In fact, I haven't properly celebrated getting this job....} Instead, everything else has been a process. Not only has my background check NOT processed through {even though she said Friday would be the earliest...I'm not the most patient of people and do you know how difficult it is to go and look at places and talk with people when you absolutely no idea when you start date is? Sure. I'll agree to live here? } but the showings proved to be difficult, too. Come to think of it....In the last, 7 years, I've only looked at one place. So, that could very well be apart of my issue. I looked at 3 places yesterday. The first one went like this: 22 year old girl greets me in underwear (okay, so maybe they were shorts but they were so small, they could have passed for boy cut underwear) and a tank top. Do I need to say anymore? The second one can best be described as a speed date. I wish I could take credit for that term, but she coined it. It was a perfect analogy. Well, not that I've speed-dated before, but if I did, I'd imagine it would go a lot like this did: "What are you pet peeves"--"What annoying habits to you have?"--Place was gorgeous. Owner was sweet. Not the most 'comfortable' fit, but probably could make it work. The third place can best be described as "future hoarder". I mean that nicely. The couple was very nice and explained that her boyfriend had just moved in (after 4 me, I am not one to judge but....) and she didn't quite know what to do with the 'stuff'. The 4th roommate stays to herself, they think it's a culture thing. It just didn't sit right with me. I realized that I was so overwhelmed with looking at ads, that I was bound to just pick a place to be done with it. The smart part of me told me that this wasn't the situation to do that in. I needed to find a place where I'd be comfortable, where I could invite people over, and where I could unwind after work for starters. So back to the drawing board, I went. Then I found this: Insert Basement Apartment here. I decided to email the link to the boy who immediately replied, "call that one." Call? Whattyamean? I had already emailed them back.... Oh wait! Re-read the ad, and wouldn't you know that I completely overlooked the phone number. My attention to detail is clearly on a hiatus. I'm seriously slacking. I call. She calls back a few hours later. Not only does she try and talk me out of it because it's not 'close' to Boston, but she tells me it may not be available in 2 days (as I'm planning on taking Wednesday off to schedule viewings). >>Insert exasperated sigh here <<  I casually mention that I'm dating someone in a nearby town and that I'm not a 'stay out all night and party' girl but more of a 'glass of wine and read a book' girl. She laughs. She says, " well, you can send your boyfriend over to look at it if you want." Uhm really? I can't quite wrap my head around that as I would assume as a landlord, you'd want to meet the person that will be renting from you, not their significant other but hey... I really need a place to live and I like this I call my sweet and deathly ill boyfriend and explain the situation. He sets an appointment with her. Now, I'm not sure if I've mentioned before how ridiculously good my boyfriend is at reading people. He is likely the best judge of character, I've ever known in my life. Less than 5 minutes on the phone and he had already pegged her. He's that good. And in probably less than 5 minutes, he's sweet-talked this lady into renting to me. Voila. Little girl from Maine going to the big city finally has a place of her own. I'm afraid I'm going to love it so much that I won't want to move in with him. I am so ridiculously happy to be done perusing craigslist. Also, ridiculously lucky to have such a supportive man in my life.

That's a great segway {spell check does not like this is a word isn't it?} to discuss Valentine's Day, right? I can make you all nauseous by telling you that every day feels like Valentine's Day with him? I've made plenty of jokes that I want chocolate covered strawberries, perfume, and a card. But honestly, I don't need or want anything different than what I already have.  I would agree that Valentine's Day has been a 'hallmark' holiday for a while now. Now me, I love cards. So, any holiday that involves cards is right up my alley. I also love, love. You'd think I'd be incredibly jaded, but I'm not. {Hence my tears during The Vow} But, I don't need a designated day to feel loved as he makes me feel loved and special {Sorry, babe, I'm pretty sure I just stole your line...} It also didn't stop me from getting him a card and a little "something" for our first Valentine's Day. I am scrapbooking our first year, after all:)

Now, c'mon Prudential, send me an email to confirm my offer is final...

Monday, February 6, 2012

She said 'I think I'll go to Boston...' Part 3

To say that the last few days have been a roller coaster, would be an understatement. By Friday, my "living situation" had fallen through and by Sunday, I had no idea what I was going to do. Was I going to take the leap? Or was I going to stay in my comfort zone? Staying would be easier. Was I strong enough to face the amount of change that was coming at me? I didn't know if I had the strength and courage to carry this plan to fruition. I regret to say that for a few days, I was overly emotional, irrational, and plain insane. I have gone through a lot of different things in my life, but I can't recall change of this quantity. It seemed like every time I thought about things, some new issue presented itself. I couldn't process. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't commit to a decision. I couldn't figure out what the best thing was. I couldn't figure out how to put myself first. It felt like my safety net had been ripped from me, though it was through no fault of his or mine.  My frustration turned to fear which eventually turned to anger. Before I even knew what was happening, that anger was being misdirected towards the one person in my life that had done nothing but try to help me, try and calm me, and try to tell me that everything would be okay.  I am choosing not to disclose the details, because there are situations that are better left private---But what I will tell you, is that as devastating as this weekend was, I learned a lot about myself and a lot about him. To come out of this situation stronger is only further proof that giving him my heart was one of the best things I've ever done.

He deserves me at my best.

After an ocean of tears {I'm talking some serious eye leaking. They just wouldn't stop}, I knew I had no choice but to make a solid decision. {A wise man told me that I wouldn't accomplish anything crying in bed all day... it wasn't easy to hear, but the truth can be painful sometimes} I knew that once I made the decision, it would give me something to stand behind. I could let go of  the "back and forth" thinking that had overstayed its welcome in my life. It took far too long for me to realize that my wavering indecision regarding my career had caused a lot of unnecessary tension. After talking it over with my friend, {who has 12 years of experience dealing with me and someone who has seen me through every life experience, I've had..} she pointed out to me that my reasons for wanting to leave my current job, location, friends, and comfort zone had nothing to do with him. I don't know why I couldn't see it before.  I couldn't seem to separate my heart from my head. I truly didn't know how to do it, until I had no choice. It took being backed into a corner and scared to death of failure to realize that no one else could make this decision for me.

So, here I am doing something on my own. Miss Indecisive is finally making a decision. Nothing like taking a huge leap and hoping everything will fall into place.  I know deep down, that when I've gotten through the stress of finding a place to live, carrying out the actual move, and getting settled into my new job, I'm going to feel so much more accomplished and self-sufficient.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

She said 'I think I'll go to Boston...' Part 2

Let me start by saying, this is the 4th night in a row that I've gotten hives. My body reacts to stress in the most BIZ-AAR ways. {4 years of stomach issues ring a bell?}

My range of emotions is cycling. Rapidly. I started out Monday being very, very excited. By Tuesday night, I was in panic mode. By Wednesday, I wasn't sleeping.

I have tossed and turned the last 2 nights with these thoughts whirling in my head...

Am I making the right decision? It seemed too easy, what's the catch? Will I be as successful in this job as I am now? Will I adapt to the city? Will I have a difficult time driving in the city? Will I be able to find a place to park without going insane? Will I ruin my relationship by moving in? Will I be okay by myself when he's gone? Will I make new friends? Will I lose friends? Will I be able to get everything done that I need to do to move in 2 weeks? Will I pass the test? Where will I store my stuff that I can't take right now? What stuff? Gawd, I don't have anything, really {Insert feelings of failure here} We need pots and pans. And silverware. I need to ramp up my wardrobe. I need to do a change of address. I just did a change of address. I need to switch my license. I need to call to find out how to roll my 401K. Which medical plan should I pick? How much will benefits be? Will I find a new gym to join? I need to cancel my current membership. How will I find a new doctor? Dentist? Crap, I need to cancel my dentist appointment. And the list goes on...

Needless to say, it's been a long week. This was compounded with the fact he was on the road Sun-Wednesday...having the worst trip I've witnessed to date. I had limited opportunity to talk with him and when I did, it wasn't the right time to talk about the massive changes about to take place. I was unsettled. I was impatient. I was sad. It occurred to me that the girl who has been pretty self sufficient for most of her life, suddenly needed someone. We're talking really needed him. I needed him to tell me everything was going to be okay. I needed him to tell me I had made the right decision. I needed him to hold me while I cried. But he couldn't. I needed to be strong, at least for a few more days. My life, as I've known it thus far, is changing faster than I can keep up with. My roommate said something earlier this week that I keep trying to repeat when I feel overwhelmed. It is a lot of change, but it's doable. She's right. This isn't something I can't do. It isn't impossible. It is just really damn hard.    

oh. and to top it all off, I dropped my Iphone in the toilet today....

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

She said 'I think I'll go to Boston...' Part 1

The last two days have been a whirl-wind of emotion.....

Let me give you the back story before I word vomit every crazy thought that is consuming my mind right  now.

I can't say that I've been unhappy at my current place of employment, but as of lately, I was very dissatisfied with my opportunity for growth. In addition, there was the "let's move in" this summer discussion. As always, I got way ahead of myself and thought When I have babies at home, I don't really want to spend 2 hours of my day on the road, do I?, I don't. So, it came down to commuting or finding a different job. I found myself entirely stressed out about the whole prospect and ultimately decided I had too much invested to leave my current job and I would commute. After all, lots of people commuted and imaginary babies can't sway my decision, right? Right. So, that was that. I was done stressing about work.

And then I attended a baby shower for a friend of mine on the 15th of January. In casual conversation we discussed work and she mentioned her company was hiring. I laughed and asked if I could work from home. She eagerly said yes. I don't know what possessed me to actually look at their job board, but I did. Thursday night, I perused the career section. Maine had nothing of interest as I have no {zero.zilch.} interest in paying claims. {My January stint in the CCC this month drove that point home.} So, I thought it wouldn't hurt to look in Mass. I ran across a job that fit the bill. Internal thought process: apply and see what happens.  you don't need the job. you have a lot invested. you have nothing to lose. So, I applied. I woke up Friday morning to a personal email. {Yes, personal. Not one of those HR generated auto-reply emails.} They were interested in speaking with me the following Tuesday. {I am not entirely sure why I was so surprised. After all, I had a near perfect background for the job. Never-the-less, I was surprised.} So, I mentioned to my friend that I happened to apply. You know that saying that it is all about who you know? Boy, do I believe in that. My friend happened to know the account manager in the office and fired off a generously nice email. Monday, I received an email indicating that it was short notice but inquiring on whether I could go to Boston for an in-person interview. I panicked. It was becoming all too real. {Luckily for me, the boy was going to be home to be my personal chauffeur because I knew nervous me wouldn't be able to rationally handle driving into the city, parking, AND being on time without having a major anxiety attack} I was so focused on my in-person interview that I completely disregarded the "Tuesday Phone Interview." {Interject key fact here: I found out that lady 'interviewing' me was the hiring manager} Tuesday rolls around and I'm in the middle of a phone interview that I'm so.not.prepared for. I answer the best I can and tell her that I wasn't as prepared as I should have been because I was so focused on the in person interview. She's easy to talk to. Fast forward to the last question of the interview: "Describe your closet." I already like her.

Thursday rolls around. I'll spare you the details of the awful mood I was in. We're talking awful. My confidence level was tetering. I felt fat. You know all those irrational thoughts girls have when they're nervous. {Oh wait. I'm probably the only person that resorts to degrading herself when she's nervous} Anywho. It wasn't good. Not sure if I've mentioned before how ridiculously awesome the boy is, but he is. He did that thing he always does. He read my mind. One look at me and he said "Your mind is already made up, isn't it?" Exhale. "Yeah, it is." So, we agreed that I'd go. I'd give them my best and that was I all I could do. He calmed me down. He got me in the car. {I tortured him with every girl empowerment song I could find on my ipod during the drive in....okay, it wasn't total torture....he was a great sport}

Walking through the Prudential building felt different than the times before. As I listened to my heels click, I became very self aware of my interview attire, the way I was carrying my binder and the way my hand felt in his. I felt different. I questioned whether I really belonged there. Would a little girl from Maine blend into this big city? He assured me I would. I was just starting to believe him until Prudential Tower fiasco. Let's just say,  I am not accustomed to ushered elevators. I do the security thing, find my way to the right "row" of elevators and make my way to the 14th floor. I take a right out of the elevator and find the door on the left as described. I march right up to it and attempt to open. Yes, attempt. Because guess what? The damn door is locked. Yup. Just as described in my email. Step 1: Can she follow directions? Fail. I take a deep breath, step back around the corner, gather myself, and ring the door bell. Interview lasts somewhere between 13-15 minutes. No behavioral interview questions. No 'give me an example of a time when you...' No grilling. Nothing like that. They introduce me to everyone in the office and hiring manager says she'll be in contact the end of the following week, possibly beginning of the next week.

I go down the elevator and I think to myself, not only was that the easiest interview I've ever had, but I could do this...I could be a city girl...Couldn't I?

Sunday, January 29, 2012

It'll shake you, damn near break you...

I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom last night working diligently on a birthday gift when "Staying's Worse Than Leaving" by Sunny Sweeney came on Pandora. I stopped dead in my tracks.

....god knows we tried, everything we could do. You can keep your pride and blame me if you need to. Even though this freedom feels a lot like treason, I know that staying's worse than leaving. It's gotta get better, it can't get worse.  I  hope it's a blessing, not a curse. I don't care who passes judgement on my reasons...

Tomorrow marks 6 months since my separation and 3 months and 3 days since my divorce.{If you know me, you know I'm a counter}  I met a friend for dinner Friday night who has also been through a divorce. Her story is heartbreaking. She is amazingly strong for the situation she had/has to endure. She still smiles as though she's never been hurt. She is living proof that perseverance goes a long, long way.  The conversation elicited a few different emotions in me. Initially, I felt guilty.  I had such a 'clean' story. I had no drama, no single event. He didn't lie. He didn't cheat. And then I felt a slight surge of relief, for no matter what circumstance lead to the divorce, there are similar conclusions. Life as you'd known it was over and would never be the same. You feel like the time spent nurturing that relationship was time, you'll never get back. You feel like your life during that time, for the most part, was a lie. You spend so much of your time as a wife, conforming to your husband's life, catering to his needs, spending time with his friends, and without even realizing it you realize when it is all said and done, you've lost a lot of yourself. We discussed the "custody of friends" and how in the end, you don't need the "lip service". Then, we talked about moving on.

I cannot remember when I realized that this situation didn't break me. It was a pretty powerful thought.  My life did not fall apart {though, my bank account would tell you otherwise at times} I never felt like I would not be able to go on. When I cried, it wasn't about him and I. It was about me. I wondered how I would start over again. I wondered about my reputation. I wondered how people would react. For a brief moment, I remember thinking, if I just went back, I wouldn't have to endure the difficulty. I wouldn't have to meet people's eyes. I wouldn't have to offer an explanation. But, I knew deep down, that if it weren't that very moment, I would have still found myself in the same situation. Only at that time, it could have been much more complicated.  It became a lot easier to process once I realized that as a whole, my friends just want to see me happy. {And happy, I am.} There are still times, I wonder how I thought that kind of love would last a lifetime. There are times I am angry that I gave myself to someone in that aspect. I feel guilty for the money his parents spent. {Speaking of his parents, I harbor a lot of anger that they never reached out to me. I had spent 4 years being their 2nd daughter.} I am sad that he/they have to endure the stigma of the situation. {One positive aspect of not having a family, I have no one to answer to} As of lately, I am warming up to the idea that this was a life lesson I had to endure to get to where I am now. {Sounds kind of cliche, I know} While I haven't  changed personality-wise, I know that I have a drastically different thought process at almost 29, than I did at 24. I have grown up a lot. I know what I want. I know, now, that I don't have to sacrifice the things I want to be happy. I know that it is okay to be myself. I know what I deserve. I know that I am good enough. I know that I am worth the fight. I know that I can make someone happy. I know that it is possible to carry on a conversation about topics other than the weather. I know that going to the grocery store together can be fun. I know that compromise works both ways. I know that an affinity for children is much more important to me than I had originally realized. I know now, that you can see your future with someone, that it is not something that develops over time.

My life has drastically changed. For. The. Better.

So, while I know that there are people out there thinking, 'gee, she moved on rather quickly' {and a host of other thoughts, I'm sure} I have concluded that moving on, is all I can do. It serves no purpose to keep harboring over the past. Life is happening now.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Ten Day Challenge – Day Ten {1 Picture}

One picture.

At the moment this picture was taken, I had no way of knowing that my life as I knew it would never be the same. I was a month and a half separated. I was a month and ten days from being divorced. I was hardly paying attention when a group of guys swarmed our table and sat down on either side of myself and the other 5 girls at the table. {I say swarmed because it all happened so fast.} And then he spoke. He had an alluring southern accent. So, I looked up. Well, wouldn't you know, southern boy was also quite attractive. I half-heartedly paid attention to the conversation at the table, all the while, turning down his friend's incessant requests to buy me a drink. In my head, I was contemplating how much longer we would have to sit here. I had just had a rather unpleasant run in with mutual friends and the last thing I wanted was more drama in my life. But, he made for good eye candy and I caught wind that he had a motorcycle {Bonus!}. Then, I made a snide remark about marriage. (Forgive me, please. I was more than a little bitter) He responded by raising his eyes a little and asking if I was divorced?** I said, "not yet" and he turned back and resumed conversation with his friend. I took a deep breath and whispered, "there goes that" to my friend. The feeling that I never wanted to date flooded over me. Not only do I have a helluva family story, I would now have to reveal that I had been married before. No, Thank You.  I was sure I'd rather stay single for the rest of my life than to ever have to explain any of that. I took another deep breath and put it out of my head, besides I was getting the impression he was interested in the beautiful blonde sitting across from me. She was lucky and I told her so.

I spent a good portion of my night joking with my girlfriends that before the night was over, I was going to kiss this boy. {The cosmo that I  ordered despite not liking, like was setting in} It was an action completely out of my character but I didn't care. After all, it isn't like I would ever see him again, right? 

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful up until the point we run into the group again. {Insert details here that my roommate had gotten his name and number before leaving Gritty's} He buys another round of drinks (yes, I said another). We're all talking, laughing, dancing.  I casually suggest he ask my roommate out because she's single. I think to myself, she's pretty, she's educated, she's not going through a divorce.... And he says {don't quote me because I don't remember the exact words but something to the effect of...} 'I've been trying to talk to you all night.'I think to myself, you have?!'

We dance. We laugh. I kiss him. I swear in that moment, the entire world stops.{ And no, it wasn't the alcohol.} Before I know it, the night is over. His friends are yelling to him that he needs to go and I'm ready to go home because I'm too old for staying out until 1am. He asks for my number. I tell him he doesn't want it. He asks again. I tell him he won't call. He asks again. Eventually, I give in. If someone's going to be that persistent, fine, take the number, add it to your collection. I say something along the lines of:  nice to meet you, thank you for the drinks, oh by the way, I'm not sure if you quite heard me earlier but I'm going through a divorce, and I don't expect you to call.

He called. I answered. He asked me to dinner. I froze. I didn't know if that's something I could even do. I discussed with Sara. We agree, it's just dinner. There's no harm in dinner. I spend 4 hours prepping. {I mean, I didn't spend that entire time getting ready, but damn, I was nervous.} I go to dinner. We eat. We talk. I mean really talk. Six hours worth of conversation.{I'm not exaggerating, either} I know as the date concludes, I am forever changed.

Sorry, I couldn't pick just one.
 too far-fetched to believe, too obvious to ignore

I will spend the rest of my life thanking Helen and Sara.

**{He'll tell you now that he doesn't remember asking me that, but Helen is my witness}