Sunday, January 29, 2012

It'll shake you, damn near break you...

I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom last night working diligently on a birthday gift when "Staying's Worse Than Leaving" by Sunny Sweeney came on Pandora. I stopped dead in my tracks.

....god knows we tried, everything we could do. You can keep your pride and blame me if you need to. Even though this freedom feels a lot like treason, I know that staying's worse than leaving. It's gotta get better, it can't get worse.  I  hope it's a blessing, not a curse. I don't care who passes judgement on my reasons...

Tomorrow marks 6 months since my separation and 3 months and 3 days since my divorce.{If you know me, you know I'm a counter}  I met a friend for dinner Friday night who has also been through a divorce. Her story is heartbreaking. She is amazingly strong for the situation she had/has to endure. She still smiles as though she's never been hurt. She is living proof that perseverance goes a long, long way.  The conversation elicited a few different emotions in me. Initially, I felt guilty.  I had such a 'clean' story. I had no drama, no single event. He didn't lie. He didn't cheat. And then I felt a slight surge of relief, for no matter what circumstance lead to the divorce, there are similar conclusions. Life as you'd known it was over and would never be the same. You feel like the time spent nurturing that relationship was time, you'll never get back. You feel like your life during that time, for the most part, was a lie. You spend so much of your time as a wife, conforming to your husband's life, catering to his needs, spending time with his friends, and without even realizing it you realize when it is all said and done, you've lost a lot of yourself. We discussed the "custody of friends" and how in the end, you don't need the "lip service". Then, we talked about moving on.

I cannot remember when I realized that this situation didn't break me. It was a pretty powerful thought.  My life did not fall apart {though, my bank account would tell you otherwise at times} I never felt like I would not be able to go on. When I cried, it wasn't about him and I. It was about me. I wondered how I would start over again. I wondered about my reputation. I wondered how people would react. For a brief moment, I remember thinking, if I just went back, I wouldn't have to endure the difficulty. I wouldn't have to meet people's eyes. I wouldn't have to offer an explanation. But, I knew deep down, that if it weren't that very moment, I would have still found myself in the same situation. Only at that time, it could have been much more complicated.  It became a lot easier to process once I realized that as a whole, my friends just want to see me happy. {And happy, I am.} There are still times, I wonder how I thought that kind of love would last a lifetime. There are times I am angry that I gave myself to someone in that aspect. I feel guilty for the money his parents spent. {Speaking of his parents, I harbor a lot of anger that they never reached out to me. I had spent 4 years being their 2nd daughter.} I am sad that he/they have to endure the stigma of the situation. {One positive aspect of not having a family, I have no one to answer to} As of lately, I am warming up to the idea that this was a life lesson I had to endure to get to where I am now. {Sounds kind of cliche, I know} While I haven't  changed personality-wise, I know that I have a drastically different thought process at almost 29, than I did at 24. I have grown up a lot. I know what I want. I know, now, that I don't have to sacrifice the things I want to be happy. I know that it is okay to be myself. I know what I deserve. I know that I am good enough. I know that I am worth the fight. I know that I can make someone happy. I know that it is possible to carry on a conversation about topics other than the weather. I know that going to the grocery store together can be fun. I know that compromise works both ways. I know that an affinity for children is much more important to me than I had originally realized. I know now, that you can see your future with someone, that it is not something that develops over time.

My life has drastically changed. For. The. Better.

So, while I know that there are people out there thinking, 'gee, she moved on rather quickly' {and a host of other thoughts, I'm sure} I have concluded that moving on, is all I can do. It serves no purpose to keep harboring over the past. Life is happening now.

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