Saturday, April 14, 2012

{Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche}

I should be ecstatic. And I am. But all I seem to do is tear up every 2.5 seconds. I know the majority of the emotion is relief. I finally passed my exam. {It took 2 times out of the gate. I won't get started on how stupid I feel. I don't do failure. Well, I should probably say I never used to. Seems like lately, failure has reared more of itself than I've wanted to admit} Life can resume as normal now. I can excercise. I can clean. I can meet new people. I can cook dinner. I can do all those things I wasn't doing. All I was doing was working and studying. I was literally eating, sleeping, and breathing insurance. It has been a long long long six weeks {okay, I'm 2 days shy, but still...}The rest of the emotion is a combination of a lot of different things. I think I've been on the go so much, that I haven't honestly processed the magnitude of this life change. I changed everything.single.thing. I changed my name. I changed my state. I changed my job. I changed my car. I changed my routine. I changed my entire life. I am no longer anywhere near a comfort zone. Most everything on a day to day basis is a challenge; from navigation to my job duties to learning how to be alone. I have never been alone.  Let me tell you. Being alone is really hard. I know none of this is forever. I know that before too long, I'll look back and wonder why I thought things were so difficult. But in this moment...

My asphalt cowboy left again today. This time for at least 9 days. I feel like all I've done since getting here is say, "Drive safe. I'll miss you." He warned me from Day 1 it would be like this. And I know deep down that when I'm "settled" into a new routine with friends etc, it won't feel as bad{ I should probably pick a new word. It isn't 'bad' but it certainly isn't easy} as it does right now. {I know the majority of you reading this may think I'm crazy or a few other choice words I could think of, but I'm not writing for you, I'm writing for I'm going to err on the side of 'I don't give a damn what you think...'} This man has changed my life. I don't know what the future will bring for him and I but I know that I am a better person because he took a risk with me. {And yes, I have already planned our future...I can't lie. The house is quaint. The dogs are running around in the back yard. I have a fence, though it may not be white or even picket. Our children are beautiful.}  I am not even sure he's aware of the little things he does that make me fall in love with him all over again. {The look in his green eyes, when I catch him staring at me. The way he kisses my shoulder when he wakes up in the middle of the night. The way he reaches for my hand when we're driving in the car. The way he holds me when we fall asleep. The way asks if there's anything he can do for me when I'm stressed out. The way he bites his nails when he knows there's nothing he can do to ease my stress. The way he listens to me. The way he remembers things. and I mean everything. The way he laughs. The fact that I can make him laugh. The fact I'm his first call in the morning and last call at night (at least I think I am, ha). The way he looks at me like I am the only girl who exists in the whole world. The way he was waiting for me when I got out of my exam, even though I told him I would only see him if I passed the exam, because I didn't want our last memory before he left to be me completely freaking out. The way he believes in me and in us. I know I could go on and on...} I am not even sure my heart is big enough for everything I feel for him. It literally feels like it will burst out of my chest when I look at him sometimes. I feel things that in almost 29 years, I have never felt before.  Sometimes, I wonder if it is the"this is so right" feeling, or if I've gone completely over the deep end? Sometimes, I feel so cliche, it almost nauseates me. Everytime that happens, I wonder how people settle for less than this. I wonder how I settled for less than this. Then there's fear. That is something new for me. I am so used of loving and losing that it is almost second nature. I don't mean just boyfriends or the husband I had. I mean in life. Parents. Friends. I am a pro at losing people. Until I met him. He's the first person I've felt like I can't lose. That.Scares.The.Hell.Outta.Me. I feel like I've gotten to where I am in life {yes, I know. I took several wrong turns along the way} because of my ability to not truly need anyone. I thought I learned how to survive "on my own".{ I know what you're thinking...of course you'd survive. Of course you'd be fine without him if it ever got to that point. While realistically, yes, I would eventually be okay...the point is, this is the first time I've felt like there is a part of me that wouldn't be okay. I'm afraid that, that's not healthy...}  If you can follow my scattered thoughts, it leads me to the point that as much as I love him, he's not the reason I'm in Massachussetts. I think with the exception of a handful of people, everyone assumed 'silly girl, gave up everything for a boy...' I didn't. Even though a part of me wanted to. He wouldn't let me. Which is just another reason he is amazing. He told me I couldn't do it for him and that I had to do it for myself. It was a tough line to take. But as I sit here tonight, looking around MY apartment, knowing I passed the exam that will undoubtedly open up doors in the future, thinking about the opportunities that will present themselves, I know I made the right decision. Sometimes the right decision is the most difficult decision you'll have to make in your life. {Another cliche moment, right}

1 comment:


    And I have to tell you how freakin' proud of you I am - we have both come a long way since June. We are badasses. <3