Thursday, April 19, 2012

{I know that there's no turning back. If we put too much light on this, we'll see through all the cracks}

It is entirely possible that I reached an all time life 'low' this afternoon... After perusing 'YELP' in search of social stuff in my area and having absolutely no luck, I decided I'd look on Craigslist under 'strictly' platonic. I'm not even sure I knew that existed until I saw it, but holy crap, if you ever need or want a laugh, just scroll through a few of those ads. I quickly decided that, I probably don't need to meet people through that avenue. Ey. Yi. Yi.

I did search apartments and found a young professional in Beverly. So, I emailed her. I totally wouldn't blame her if she didn't respond. I felt kinda weird e-mailing but I figured, I really have nothing to lose.


I honestly did not consider how difficult this part would be. I think I was blinded by my new "city" job and my "grown up" living situation. Since, I haven't had an insurance manual to fill my time, I've thought a lot about this, this week. I don't seem to fit into any of the common categories. I'm not married. I don't have children. I'm not in school. I'm not athletic. I'm not dating. I'm through with partying. Where does that leave me exactly? Aside from lonely, I'm not quite sure. I thought about joining a gym but thus far any around here are super expensive. I, also, thought back to my time in previous gyms. I never became friends with anyone outside of the gym. So, that probably wouldn't work. {Besides, I'm disgusting when I work out. That's not exactly a good way to approach someone, all sweaty and such.}  I love my apartment and the location but I wonder if I'd be doing myself a favor if I looked into moving closer to the city this fall? I do know people in the general Boston area...and there's a lot more going on{and as I write this, I can already picture the expression on a certain someone's face} 

This starts a whole downward spiral in my thought processes. It makes me miss being 'married.' No, I don't miss him. I miss the 'safety' of marriage. It didn't matter if you hung out with anyone else, because you always had someone to hang out with. It makes me wish I had a baby. Which also leads me to say that as much as I have always wanted to be a mother, I wish with all my heart that I never would have 'tried'. Had I never tried, I'd only feel the sting of getting older. I wouldn't feel the pain of longing. I wouldn't have to listen to people who already have children or don't want children tell me, 'well you know, people are having babies later on in life now...' Yes, I know you're trying to be nice. You're trying to be supportive. I appreciate that. But it kills me. It kills me just about every time I log into Facebook. It's replete with the most beautiful photos of everyone's children. And if it isn't someone's child, it is someone's sonogram picture. {Please know, I am so ridiculously happy for all of them. I am. But, I can't help but feel like I can no longer relate to their lives. I feel the stigma of divorce even more so. Yes, I'm having a pity party for one tonight. Just let me have it, k? Because the sane part of me knows that none of the above mentioned topics would be 'right', right now} It makes me bitter that I don't have parents to call. There's been a few moments in the last 6 weeks that would make any girl want to call her  mom. I think that's part of what makes all of this so difficult. My friends have always been my 'family'...

Someday. Hopefully real soon. I'll stop mourning the life I thought I'd have by now, and I'll start celebrating the life I do have.

So take a minute just to breathe
And think of everything you wanted
And what you got instead

1 comment:

  1. I know this may not help and I know that aside from "social networking" we havent spoken in a long while, but I can't resist commenting here. I've kept up with you on FB and I love reading your blog. And I have to tell you why.The journey you are on seems so amazing and fantastic to me, you have no idea! There is a huge part of me that is very envious of all of these things that you are going through! I may have some of the things you are looking for eventually...the baby, the husband. BUT, I have never felt what it was like to have my own apartment or make whatever I want for dinner without considering someone elses tastes. Or buy a new cute outfit for my job in the city. Or even live in the city for that matter! All of these experiences will lead you right where you are supposed to be. And you will look back and be so glad you did all those things while you had the chance!! And believe it or not, you will be a fantastic mother because of this time spent alone, learning to rely on just you. Being a mother can be a very lonely job and I for one was not prepared for how much I would have to rely on ONLY myself. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, my baby and I have the best husband. But some nights I lay in bed and dream of what my life would have been like if I did what your doing FIRST. Chin up girly, you are rocking this!And it's gonna be one hell of a story to tell those kids of yours!!!!!