{I know that there's no turning back. If we put too much light on this, we'll see through all the cracks}

It is entirely possible that I reached an all time life 'low' this afternoon... After perusing 'YELP' in search of social stuff in my area and having absolutely no luck, I decided I'd look on Craigslist under 'strictly' platonic. I'm not even sure I knew that existed until I saw it, but holy crap, if you ever need or want a laugh, just scroll through a few of those ads. I quickly decided that, I probably don't need to meet people through that avenue. Ey. Yi. Yi.

I did search apartments and found a young professional in Beverly. So, I emailed her. I totally wouldn't blame her if she didn't respond. I felt kinda weird e-mailing but I figured, I really have nothing to lose.

*sigh*

I honestly did not consider how difficult this part would be. I think I was blinded by my new "city" job and my "grown up" living situation. Since, I haven't had an insurance manual to fill my time, I've thought a lot about this, this week. I don't seem to fit into any of the common categories. I'm not married. I don't have children. I'm not in school. I'm not athletic. I'm not dating. I'm through with partying. Where does that leave me exactly? Aside from lonely, I'm not quite sure. I thought about joining a gym but thus far any around here are super expensive. I, also, thought back to my time in previous gyms. I never became friends with anyone outside of the gym. So, that probably wouldn't work. {Besides, I'm disgusting when I work out. That's not exactly a good way to approach someone, all sweaty and such.}  I love my apartment and the location but I wonder if I'd be doing myself a favor if I looked into moving closer to the city this fall? I do know people in the general Boston area...and there's a lot more going on{and as I write this, I can already picture the expression on a certain someone's face} 

This starts a whole downward spiral in my thought processes. It makes me miss being 'married.' No, I don't miss him. I miss the 'safety' of marriage. It didn't matter if you hung out with anyone else, because you always had someone to hang out with. It makes me wish I had a baby. Which also leads me to say that as much as I have always wanted to be a mother, I wish with all my heart that I never would have 'tried'. Had I never tried, I'd only feel the sting of getting older. I wouldn't feel the pain of longing. I wouldn't have to listen to people who already have children or don't want children tell me, 'well you know, people are having babies later on in life now...' Yes, I know you're trying to be nice. You're trying to be supportive. I appreciate that. But it kills me. It kills me just about every time I log into Facebook. It's replete with the most beautiful photos of everyone's children. And if it isn't someone's child, it is someone's sonogram picture. {Please know, I am so ridiculously happy for all of them. I am. But, I can't help but feel like I can no longer relate to their lives. I feel the stigma of divorce even more so. Yes, I'm having a pity party for one tonight. Just let me have it, k? Because the sane part of me knows that none of the above mentioned topics would be 'right', right now} It makes me bitter that I don't have parents to call. There's been a few moments in the last 6 weeks that would make any girl want to call her  mom. I think that's part of what makes all of this so difficult. My friends have always been my 'family'...

Someday. Hopefully real soon. I'll stop mourning the life I thought I'd have by now, and I'll start celebrating the life I do have.

So take a minute just to breathe
And think of everything you wanted
And what you got instead