Monday, February 6, 2012

She said 'I think I'll go to Boston...' Part 3

To say that the last few days have been a roller coaster, would be an understatement. By Friday, my "living situation" had fallen through and by Sunday, I had no idea what I was going to do. Was I going to take the leap? Or was I going to stay in my comfort zone? Staying would be easier. Was I strong enough to face the amount of change that was coming at me? I didn't know if I had the strength and courage to carry this plan to fruition. I regret to say that for a few days, I was overly emotional, irrational, and plain insane. I have gone through a lot of different things in my life, but I can't recall change of this quantity. It seemed like every time I thought about things, some new issue presented itself. I couldn't process. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't commit to a decision. I couldn't figure out what the best thing was. I couldn't figure out how to put myself first. It felt like my safety net had been ripped from me, though it was through no fault of his or mine.  My frustration turned to fear which eventually turned to anger. Before I even knew what was happening, that anger was being misdirected towards the one person in my life that had done nothing but try to help me, try and calm me, and try to tell me that everything would be okay.  I am choosing not to disclose the details, because there are situations that are better left private---But what I will tell you, is that as devastating as this weekend was, I learned a lot about myself and a lot about him. To come out of this situation stronger is only further proof that giving him my heart was one of the best things I've ever done.

He deserves me at my best.

After an ocean of tears {I'm talking some serious eye leaking. They just wouldn't stop}, I knew I had no choice but to make a solid decision. {A wise man told me that I wouldn't accomplish anything crying in bed all day... it wasn't easy to hear, but the truth can be painful sometimes} I knew that once I made the decision, it would give me something to stand behind. I could let go of  the "back and forth" thinking that had overstayed its welcome in my life. It took far too long for me to realize that my wavering indecision regarding my career had caused a lot of unnecessary tension. After talking it over with my friend, {who has 12 years of experience dealing with me and someone who has seen me through every life experience, I've had..} she pointed out to me that my reasons for wanting to leave my current job, location, friends, and comfort zone had nothing to do with him. I don't know why I couldn't see it before.  I couldn't seem to separate my heart from my head. I truly didn't know how to do it, until I had no choice. It took being backed into a corner and scared to death of failure to realize that no one else could make this decision for me.

So, here I am doing something on my own. Miss Indecisive is finally making a decision. Nothing like taking a huge leap and hoping everything will fall into place.  I know deep down, that when I've gotten through the stress of finding a place to live, carrying out the actual move, and getting settled into my new job, I'm going to feel so much more accomplished and self-sufficient.

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