Saturday, April 6, 2013

{{ I can barely stand up, I can hardly breathe...Pour me something stronger than me}}

I wouldn't describe myself as someone who has a stellar memory. There are , however, certain memories that have etched themselves so deep that I couldn't forget even if I tried. They're usually extreme, mostly bad mixed with a few good.  One vivid memory that keeps resurfacing was two {{or was it just one?}}week(s) after C and I met.  We were at Pine Point Beach, taking advantage of a 70+ degree day in late September. I was standing close enough to the water for the waves to lap my toes, gazing at the horizon, and admiring the blue sky. Reflecting back now, in my 29 years of living, it was one of the most perfect days I have experienced. It was as though all the stars had aligned. The weather, the scenery, the company, the temperature of the ocean... everything had come together perfectly.  I closed my eyes for what seemed like less than a second and the rest of my life flashed before my eyes. Snapshots of different life events, like an old movie highlight reel.  I saw myself in the future. I saw myself  having children, and growing old....with him. It awakened something deep inside of me that no one else had ever even scratched the surface of. Prior to this, I had never seen myself any further in life.  I always thought the future would find it's way to you, that the images would develop as you moved through life. All the previous times I had tried to picture my life, I always saw an empty reel spinning round and round.  I thought I'd wake up someday and all the pieces would fall into place, that perhaps my movie just hadn't been scripted yet. So there I was, standing with a man I'd known less than 15 days and suddenly I can see my life? It didn't make sense at all.  It scared me. But there are people that say that sometimes love doesn't make sense and that's why you should trust it. So, I did. I trusted it with all I had. I knew that day that I loved him in a way I had never loved before. {{I didn't identify it as love at the time but looking back now I'm sure that was the moment I realized I was in love with him.}}  I wasn't sure what it was, as it didn't seem possible or rational to feel the way I felt. I barely knew him, but somehow felt I had known him my whole life. When he looked at me, it felt like he was truly looking AT me. He saw me for the person I was, the person I wasn't, and the person I had the potential to be.

 But, now, here I am, almost 19 months later and when I close my eyes, the screen is black. It is as though, the person running the projector has wandered off and the film has slipped off the track causing the movie to suddenly stop. An empty black screen.

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